True Blood
Everything Is Broken

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A
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Mr. Edgington Goes To Washington

But obviously Tara is not going to a shrink, I mean, not only is she angry and scary and fucked-up, but last time she tried to get her shit together it unleashed a goddess on the town and we had to see Jane Bodehouse's tits. Before Sam can revisit the idea of Tara possibly just giving thought to alternative therapies, his phone rings. It is Terry and Arlene, who are being kept awake by Tommy Merlotte's vigorous fucking. Sam leaves her there, offering to take her along for both their company, but she sticks at his place (Tara! Never leave Sam's house!) and opens up his laptop to look at alternative therapies.

Eric, since he's got the Authority's attention -- and since his entire storyline has just unraveled and nothing even matters anymore because his two problems are immediate, just Talbot and the Russell Conspiracy, of which he's now I would say not a member -- decides to just blow everybody's mind and tell them the entire season of facts about the King of Mississippi: "The Turks told folk tales of shape shifting jackals at the fall of Constantinople. The Aztecs were decimated by disease from the Conquistadors' War Dogs. Each time, there's been wolves fueled by vampire blood. I nearly found him in Augsburg in 1945. His wolves were in the service of the Wehrmacht. He disappeared after the war." They're like, "Why is Russell like this?" Nobody knows. But Eric's guess is that he wants to stop humans from killing the planet, because then they would die, and we couldn't eat them anymore.

If that is his plan, I like it: Not the Green part, but the idea of toppling empires. He doesn't have to rule the world, he just needs to make sure that industry doesn't, which means knocking some fuckers down a few every time.

Well, or he's just Forrest Gump and it's all been a gorgeous mistake. Nan, to placate the Authority, points out that this is ridiculous because vampires don't feed on humans, they drink only TruBlood. Eric is like, "Right, I forgot to tattle about that. Russell also thinks the Great Revelation is dumb and that humans should be slaves. And FUCK THE AUTHORITY," Eric [sics] beautifully before a pause, "...Is um also what Russell totally says all the time." Heh.

But Eric's not done, no. "He killed the Magister not because fuck the Authority but because the Magister defied him and that's how much fuck the Authority. He kidnapped Queen Sophie-Anne because she refused him, and then made the Madge marry them, so that's settled. And now if the Authority or the AVL make trouble, he is going to get real wild." Nan points out the usual Catch-22 about their dumb vampire political system, which is that everything is basically treasonous when you're answering to two masters, and he's like, "I wish that I had told the Authority about how fuck the Authority, but first I had to get revenge on Russell for sending drug-addict werewolves to my Viking house a billion years ago. It was totally on my agenda: Kill Russell's boyfriend, then come tattle. Surely you understand. In fact, I'm still totally going to kill him at some point, just as a heads-up."

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True Blood

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