Bill spends a spa day at the home of Sophie-Anne, the Vampire Queen of Louisiana, eating hot Latvians, fake sunbathing, catching up with Sookie's cousin Hadley and literally playing Yahtzee. This is because Sophie-Anne is a lunatic who has borrowed Godric's book of being bored and then scribbled Depeche Mode lyrics and quotes from the Matrix in the margins. Finally Sophie-Anne tells him the secret to dealing with a maenad, which is basically to give her whatever she wants and stand out of the way, because the God Who Comes never actually shows up. Wonder how Sam's going to feel about that.
Eric arrives at Sophie-Anne's -- hair all tousled from flying through the air to Shreveport -- just in time for a quick measuring contest with Bill, and the Queen points out that their BS would be a lot easier to take if they'd just fuck once and for all and stop getting their mess all over other people. Oh, and that her interest in Sookie, which Bill apparently knows all about, isn't going anywhere.
Lafayette, Lettie Mae and Sookie try to keep Tara from heading back to Maryann's, because they stupidly think she's better just because the black eyes are gone. Sookie and Lafayette take a quick break to defend his house from zombies while discussing the fact that they're now both having sex dreams about Eric now that they've had his blood, which lasts not so long thanks to Tara's mad crazy mind games on her mom, who eventually threatens to shoot them if they don't let Tara go back to Maryann. This really is the worst intervention on record. She gets away, and Sookie brains her with some pottery, following after Tara.
...Which is, of course, the dumbest idea she's had since the gross bullshit Bill and Sookie pulled on her last week, and just as pointless. After Maryann's explained to Tara that killing the little black-eyed girl last season was the invocation that brought her to Bon Temps, and punched her like mama used to do, Tara backflips right back into the cult. By the time Sookie arrives, the cult has gone seriously haywire: Jane's cutting off fingers, some dude is playing with intestines, and Mike Spencer makes Sookie cuddle with him in the spot on the floor where Gran got murdered.
Andy and Jason continue to run around like idiots, attempting to quell the unrest and stock up on guns. Hoyt dumps Jessica for biting his mom, and then gets totally abused by Maxine's stories about his father's suicide and questionable sexuality. While Sam takes Arlene's kids -- who've been running around the forest the last two days eating dirt while their mom's in that orgy cult -- to Fangtasia!, making him the latest person in Bon Temps to owe Eric a huge favor.
Maryann is beyond pissed at the cultists for being fooled by Jason's lightshow theatrics last week, and otherwise storms around being a jerk, until a bullet from Lafayette's gun ends up killing Karl. Then she possesses Lafayette, who surprises Sookie in her bedroom attempting to stop Tara and Eggs from building a nest for a giant demonic egg in her bed. Everything in this entire recaplet is true and unembellished.
In two weeks: The ritual, which we now know involves 1) the sacrifice of Sam (or Sookie, apparently) 2) "in the presence of her familiars," I guess Tara and Eggs, so that 3) Maryann can finally get her heiros gamos freak on.
Well, Bill is just gobsmacked. I don't know what he was expecting, but you know, he's chivalrous. It's sort of his thing. And walking in -- after being announced, note -- on his Queen sucking hell out of the thighs of a cute young thing, double to his Sookie, it's just too much for his little heart. Before he can succumb to the vapors, Sophie-Anne grins back at him over her shoulder, with blood smeared across her face, laughing. Wild, on top of it.
"Is this a bad time?" Bill asks, squinting manfully, and the Queen laughs. "There's no such thing as bad! Or time, for that matter."
The Queen invites Bill to join her -- it's his very favorite snack, the femoral, after all, and she does look a lot like Sookie -- and he just squirms, while Hadley moans under her hands. I guess it's scary, to see your Queen supping on your lover's twin, when you're still nervous about even asking.
Speaking of fangbangers, we might not have expected Maxine to be such a willing victim to Jessica's mood swings but there she is, groaning like a sunny afternoon. Hoyt throws himself at Jessica, holding her against the wall with blood on her lips. "Have you lost your mind?" Jessica reminds him of the relatively horrible shit Maxine was saying about them both, but Hoyt reminds her that he's a good Southern boy: "She's my mama! She gets to! The hell are you from?" Maxine's still rolling around on the floor, but Jessica has already snapped back like a rubber band, scared to death of what she did.
Hoyt's on his knee by his chuckling momma, casting horrified looks back at Jessica. To be fair, she warned her. She's been warning her for a day, and Maxine didn't care, because Maxine loves it. It would be scary, I suppose, to see your girlfriend snacking on your mom. Even when the guides are gone and you know for a fact that mom's a nihilistic black-eyed orgy zombie and the girl's a bloodsucking fiend.
Maxine hates to leave, and reaches out desperately to Jessica for more -- more blood, more sex, more lines to cross, more sensation -- but he shoves her out the door. "I should have listened to Vampire Bill when he warned me about you," Hoyt says, storming out, and Jessica shrinks down to nothing. When they're gone, Maxine moaning out into the yard, Jessica slams the door like a girl and screams like an infant. She saw in his eyes that she was perfect, and so she was: What does that make her now? Besides all alone again?
Hadley dozes, looking at Bill across the Queen's indoor pool, on a chaise that matches her own. Sophie-Anne returns with a handkerchief, having wiped the blood clean. He jumps to his feet when she reenters. "What gives you the right to say no to the femoral blood of a good woman? You know what your problem is, William?" Caressing Hadley: "You are a snob. I hate snobs," she says, waving her handkerchief: "Tiny, tiny souls. Or penises. Or both." She touches a drop from her breast to her lips, wiping at it, and tosses Hadley out, barely even looking at her. It's the mirror to his angry demand last night, Sookie's wrist in the car, and he hates to see this too.