True Blood

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
Never Jam Today

Sam hears little kids at the window, looking for Arlene, and runs out into the woods calling for them, on the off chance that they're just little kids and not some new horrible danger he can rush into faster than Sookie Stackhouse on a three-day V binge, but they're not horrible dangers, just Arlene's obnoxious kids. They are happy to learn that Arlene is not in the vicinity, which is kind of sad, and when they ask for food you can see from their grody faces they've apparently started eating dirt sometime in the last couple days. Sam offers them refuge and lunch, and the glimmer of a thought that Sam Merlotte taking care of kids is like going swimming in an ocean of hugs and sunlight.

But then, he was already doing that: Jason and Andy head off to the police station to "arm themselves," against Sam's level-headed protests, and Jason yells about how he's had paramilitary training now and thus can handle it, and then in the middle of yelling at Sam for being ungrateful for his total stupidity, he walks into a tree and sputters to himself. Andy's like, "That is my entire life."

Sookie asks the staring and wigged-out Lafayette to sit down, and then gets a very exciting Bill text... From five hours ago. "Dammit. I'm getting a new phone as soon as Eric pays me." Lafayette asks if she's seriously working for Eric, and instead of being ashamed or explaining that it's nominally because of Lafayette's endungeonment, she's just like, "Yeah, mm-hmm. Oh, let me read you this text from my boyfriend." Sadly, Bill isn't coming back tonight, which means they have to save themselves. Which honestly, isn't that pretty much how it always goes down anyway?

Bill does a lot of staring and jerking around, and he will run his ass out into the sunlight for no reason on occasion, but the proportion of Bill Saves Attempted to Bill Saves Accomplished is like 50:1. It's one of the reasons I love Sookie so much: She could have five guys running to her rescue, but one of them will inevitably fall in a ditch and one will catch on fire and one will get knocked out in dog form and finally she's just alone, yet again. So she shrugs, cuts off some motherfucker's head or goes ninja on them with tire chains, and cleans up the mess while the rest of them get it together. Anybody who has the princess act down that well knows that it's the thought that counts anyway.

Some off God music starts playing as Tara harasses her mom hardcore, hitting every open wound she can think of one by one until she finds the right one to take out her heart. This is exactly why one-person interventions don't work. "You keep me here and anything happens to Eggs, you will have destroyed my one chance at true love." Lettie Mae informs her daughter that "true love" rips you open and tears you up, which is true enough. Tara rises to her knees, to prove this: "I will forgive you. For everything. Everything. You know that is a lot. And this is a one-time-only offer."

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True Blood




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