Jason starts out having a sort of issue with Crystal's werepanther nature, but once he confronts Kitch Maynard about his V use and learns the whole town of Bon Temps is either on the make or on drugs, he decides adding "cat people" to the list of things about Crystal that is not a huge jump to make. She's not budging on the whole "raid Hotshot" issue, but we knew Jason was going to end up kissing some kind of Hotshot drug ring ass by the end of things. (Also, Felton is her HALF-BROTHER, gross, and that spacker that was eating the deer she describes as her "double cousin.") I just wish Kitch Maynard had his own show, Kitch Maynard Don't Give A $#&%, where he scoffs arrogantly. At everything from conventional wisdom, to popular consumer products, to your pets. And then we do pushups.
Sam is still on a bender, attacking Terry and Arlene in front of everybody and generally making a full-on ass of himself in front of the whole town. Arlene and Holly run off to have a little bit of a Wiccan abortion ceremony, which Arlene at first thinks is successful but then learns was not. Terry's ecstatic that their devil baby is sticking around, but of course Arlene did not suddenly become less of a superstitious twit, so she's still wigging out. And if you were wondering about Holly's face, it's still like that.
Tara mourns for Eggs some more, and then scares the piss out of Andy Bellefleur, who cries and comes clean about the whole Eggs deal in a really remarkably sweet way. Meanwhile, Sam kicks Tommy out of his house, job and life, engendering a new enmity and more Mickens-style robbery, and then realizes he is officially the worst person in Bon Temps besides Tara, so they hook up again based on being unpleasant and unpopular.
In other Bon Temps news, Hoyt offers himself up to Jessica as a fulltime blood donor, which is oddly sexy and sweet rather than revolting. This is the story of Hoyt and Jessica, but for some reason it's like no problem at all. Summer runs to Maxine, whom apparently is a major factor in that failed relationship, in super creepy ways I'm still not sure we fully understand. Oh, and Lafayette is going nuts: First he has a V aftershock in which Jesus looks all demonic, and then he gets taunted by all the dolls and images and voodoo stuff that covers his entire house. Which is still worse than contemplating a night without Jesus. Drugs do not pay!
While Yvette is helping Sookie escape Eric's dungeon and helping Bill beat up Pam, Eric is off to fund Russell and offer him Sookie's faery blood. Because Russell is a full-on hooker-killing maniac at this point, he goes for it. Bill and Sookie get about halfway back to Bon Temps -- talking merrily about what their queerbutt lives would be like with none of the many, many problems they constantly create for themselves -- before Eric and Russell kidnap 'em and head on back to Fangtasia! where, unbeknownst to Sookie, Eric sells Bill on his big plan.
And the big plan? Eric and Russell chow down on Sookie, putting her under once again, and then head out into the bright Louisiana sunlight. It works just long enough for Eric to handcuff himself to Russell with silver, and settle in to die in the parking lot, with Sookie whiting out inside, and most importantly Pam watching her maker die on the closed-circuit TV's inside the bar. Sad! But hopefully this is one of those plans that Sookie Stackhouse fully ruins without even trying.
Oh no! Sookie's been locked up in a dungeon for five seconds while Eric works on saving the world for everybody! Time for random people to start running around all crazy trying to save her. Bill comes zooming over from his house to get yelled at by Pam, Yvetta runs downstairs to unlock her shackles and get her upstairs, it's the usual Sookie Party. All Sookie wants to do is chat about how much Eric sucks, and Yvetta is all over that task, sending her upstairs with a big length of silver chain and extreme prejudice. I can't believe that's all there was to Yvetta, just this weird stripper lady like she always seemed.
Upstairs, Pam is giving Bill the business. Firstly, she says that Sookie is not even there, but Bill knows that's a lie. Secondly she says Sookie came over on her own, which is true because of Eric's weirdly coded suicide messages, and that maybe she didn't ask Bill along because she's scared of him. Which isn't exactly true, but she should be. "I don't think she wants you anymore," Pam muses, but little does she know that Sookie's on her way upstairs right now with a big old grudge against Fangtasia! management.
Pam tells Bill he's just a vampire baby compared to her, and that he is an "infatuated tween" who has no idea what's really at stake. Bill replies that he is just like Sookie in that there is no bigger picture, just him and Sookie being all obsessed on each other, and whines at such a constant rate and pitch that finally Pam just starts macing him with colloidal silver so he'll shut up. It is so awesome! But then Sookie and Yvetta come up from downstairs and ruin everything, securing Pam with the chain and a bunch of bloody fighting so that Sookie can coo over Bill's fucked up face and talk even more about how Pam and Eric are big jerks.
"You were supposed to be a gift for Edgington," Pam explains. "Now we're all gonna die, because of one freaky little human." Sookie, awesomely, is like, "GREAT." They leave Pam with Yvette's angry gold-digging self and some jokes about Estonian emigrants that don't even really make sense, but hey, it's Yvetta, the Little Stripper That Still Doesn't Matter. At least Hustler Tony got an awesome death scene, but poor Yvetta is all just broken English and boobies hanging out.
Over at Lafayette's house, Jesus is tripping out on his V experience. Lala tries to explain that V is unpredictable and sometimes very magical, other times not so much, but like anybody who just discovered psychedelics Jesus is convinced that drugs are magical and whatever. "Without fasting, without praying, without any other ritual! We time-traveled into ourselves! There were fucking answers there!" Lala tries to chill him out, but they both know it was a very special trip they went on. Jesus starts acting like a total addict -- "I feel like everything that I need to learn is just one drop away!" -- but it's hard to argue with that sort of thing when the addiction is to experiencing the divine. Jesus: Freak.
Lafayette just tries to be cautionary and helpful about the first rule of this entire show: Whatever you think is the answer stops being the answer the second you find it, and starts to rot. Jesus is still sort of brittle and vibrating, and Lafayette is still in the post-peak aftershock period where you see things that are true even if they're not real, and for a second Jesus's face is super scary like a demon made of rocks. Lafayette freaks the fuck out about that, but on the off-chance that Jesus really isn't a rock-face green demon, he tries to be polite. As he's shoving Jesus out the door and promising they are still good, relationship-wise. You gotta hedge your bets when you're dating the Hottest Guy On Television; nobody's perfect. Sometimes the demon face is just something you have to sit with, like a nice glass of chardonnay, until you figure out what the hell is going on.
"It's like a werewolf, only a panther?" Heh. Crystal is exasperated in that way you only really get with Jason, or any Stackhouse really, because you know he's been going over and over that question for the last hour. She reminds him that she was honest about she had secrets, but of course Jason thought it was something more like shoplifting, not turning into a panther. "I thought you'd be a man," Crystal says about this, which just shows a stunning lack of insight on her part, because questioning Jason's masculinity is the big red button of this show that you don't ever want to push. Align that with his momentary doubts about dating Cat People and he'll have no choice but to love werepanthers so much he'll try and become one. That'll prove you wrong.
Plus, of course, it links up to the Hotshot thing and the cop thing and the Eggs thing and all the other shit that keeps happening to Jason, so he just sort of spins his wheels for a second. "I am a man! I was ready to sign up for a meth dealer's daughter!" She points out how insensitive that is to say, and asks him to stop blaming her for shit she can't help. "Crystal, my brains feel like scrambled eggs. [EGGS] I got my ass chewed by a vampire, my sister's missing..." Crystal's like, "If you wanna compare bad days, how about Felton is my half-brother." Jason is so weirded out and has so many things on his list of things that he just sort of wanders out of the house to feel crazy in a larger area.
Much like Sookie long ago, Hoyt is convinced that -- while yes, he did drink vampire blood from a vampire -- it's not the blood or the blood-bond that's got him feeling so super-special. It's because he's back with Jessica. Suddenly he is fascinated by vampirism itself, in addition to feeling alive and like he's got muscles where he's never had muscles, and talks a blue streak about romance and that. Jessica is more interested in explaining to him that the Bill Compton Plan For Vampire Boringness is not taking, and Hoyt needs to understand that. She is the first vampire born in the age of vampires, and is not interested in stressing out about her vampire nature. It comes at too high a cost. So if she's going to be unashamed of herself, and also have Hoyt, he needs to know the whole truth. He needs to see her rock-face demon self.
Starry-eyed Hoyt is, of course, not worried about any of this. So you killed a trucker? That's awesome! You're a nice girl, I'm sure it was just a weird day. So you hate TruBlood and you want to drink people blood from now on? Good thing I'm wearing this hoodie, because we just entered a whole new world of letting you suck my blood whenever you feel like it. Which is music to Jessica's ears, because part of giving in to feeding is giving into the sexuality of it, so even their little virginity problem with her unstoppable hymen is no longer really a problem. She can literally have her Hoyt and eat him too, and that's the solution she wasn't brave enough to look in the face until he offered it. Which is why it's so freaking hot when they go for it.
Eric finds Russell standing in an art gallery looking at some boring landscape painting that Talbot loved once, dead security guard lying on the floor, and they discuss how come Eric even killed Talbot in the first place. Eric's sort of coy about the reasons there, and Russell -- still holding onto the jar of Talbot leftovers and looking stinky-homeless to boot -- reminds Eric that he is this amazingly old and powerful vampire who can kill Eric so easily it's practically just a thought. A wave of the hand. So Eric brings up the whole Viking massacre, finally, and Russell hilariously laughs in his face. "To lose the one man I ever loved because you miss your mommy and daddy? Well, that is a kick in the pants."
Eric goes on this extended Inigo Montoya thing and Russell is like, "No, sorry, bored now, come over here so I can kill you." Eric finally does, and they talk about how Russell's got some weird Crazy Old Man plan that we don't even really know about yet, and Eric can't figure it out, and Russell's like, "I'm a Crazy Old Man, it's a long story." Right before he eats Eric's face off, though,