FORTENBERRIES

Maxine: "I can't wait for you to move into my house for the fifty-seventh time! I love it when your life is in the shitter."
Hoyt: "I think I want to move to Alaska, actually. But thanks for keeping Jessica from saving me from my horrible pig injuries. That was really short-sighted and racist of you."
Maxine: "It is the Fortenberry way. Hold on, Alaska?"
Hoyt: "Yeah. You may have noticed that Bon Temps is a shitty place to live. So I'm going somewhere worse."

No problem, bro. Give my regards to Levi Johnston, and don't let the door hit ya.

FANGTASIA!

Elijah: "It seems profits have gone down ever since you sold out of TruBlood and nobody comes here anymore."
Pam: "That follows."
Elijah: "So how are you paying your employees?"
Tara: "She isn't! But whatever, I'm concentrating on hating you right now."
Elijah: "I make it easy, by being so gross. You know, there's a fangbanger bar in Natchitoches that's managed to monetize glory holes. You stick whatever in a hole, and then a vampire bites on it."
Pam: "Somehow that is one of the more depressing things I have ever heard."
Elijah: "Well, figure out something then. Oh, and if you don't help the Authority create 30 new vampires in this Area by December, I will take possession of your assets. Including Tara."
Tara: "This show really doesn't know what to do with me. Even this, my best year ever, kind of still comes down to shit like this. I just may have to actively do something for once."

SOOKIE

Andy: "Are you going to finish that Chinese food?"
Sookie: "Well, it has Mike Spencer all in it. And it's like evidence or something, right?"
Andy: "No matter how many times you ask it, I'm not going to charge you with any of your constant murders."
Sookie: "Where did this even come from? Mike Spencer was a human being like two days ago."
Andy: "Who knows. I'm kind of tired of vampires, frankly. What's ironic is that Mike Spencer loved crime scenes like this. I kind of miss him."
Sookie: "He wanted to suck on my toes at the bank."
Andy: "Well, yeah. And he jerked off to autopsies. I guess this one's going in the fuck-it bucket after all."

AUTHORITY

Bill: "Eric, you've got to stop being so level-headed and skeptical of our crack-fueled fascist theocracy!"
Eric: "That's putting it nicely. Really, I just think this whole thing is stupid. I keep telling you that and nobody believes me."
Bill: "Okay, well, Nora and I have decided to force you to drink more Lilith blood and see what happens."
Eric: "See? Stupid."
Bill: "And yet my man-crush continues unabated. Now take a bunch of drugs, okay?"