True Blood

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A-
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Mars & The Real Girl
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Eric's in the lounge at the Hotel Carmilla trying to get it up fangwise for this blood hooker, but he can't get into it, and he's just sort of staring into the middle distance until she goes, "That's it, baby," and he finally just gives up and shoves her away. "Baby? I am over a thousand years old." He whines that he's not really into "feeding on the willing," and in a conciliatory way the woman offers to pretend she doesn't totally want him feeding on her, and he makes her promise she's convincing, and as Lorena arrives the woman's like, "Stop. Get off me. You sick bloodsucking bastard." He ignores this business altogether, and just feeds already, but when Lorena arrives he feels her and holds up a finger, having lost his vampire boner for good. Blood hooker grabs her cash and takes off, grinning when he says she might as well tell her pimp she was great, and then thanks Lorena for answering his invitation.

Surprisingly, Bill and Sookie are fucking and pretending they're on vacation, because that's all they do this season, when somebody knocks on the door. It's Isabel, still in that white dress from Godric's house with a human guy named Hugo whom Isabel explains is Hers. Bill and Sookie graciously put on bathrobes and he microwaves a couple TruBloods, then the two couples have a seat. Sookie reads Hugo's mind and he's stone crazy in love with Isabel: Forever and not just my forever your forever and forever and forever.... You might think at some point somebody would point out how ridiculous Sookie's latest plan is, but no: Isabel's there to offer Hugo as a companion, because as she points out, "People of the church, they have a way of not trusting a woman when she's absent a man." Sookie agrees, because remember how she didn't have a man before Bill, but now she has Bill, and schmooby-schmoo he rubs her back and pulls a quarter out of her ear and whatever. Isabel and Hugo, one presumes, barf.

Eric cracks a joke about giving Lorena the room next to Bill and Sookie's, which sounds like a little bit of hell for everybody, and finally admits that Bill has something he wants. That's what he says. Lorena's totally grossed out -- "His human?" -- but Eric knows Sookie's not exactly that either. And anyway, shut up and do what Eric says, because isn't Lorena still totally in love with Bill? And isn't Bill still slightly in love with Lorena because she's his Maker? Eric's like, "I am still as fiercely devoted and loyal to my Maker as I was during that Viking flashback, because Godric is not only my two thousand-year-old Maker, but also a swell guy and the most wonderful player of video games I've ever seen, can play better two thousand-year-old basketball than men twice his height such as myself, saw Velvet Underground at CBGB's like a million times, and has met Anderson Cooper. Who told him he was dreamy." Lorena's all, "I will see your queerbutt Viking flashback, and I will raise you a truly gaywad speakeasy flashback. Picture it: Chicago, 1926..."

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True Blood

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