Sookie poses with Isabel's human lover Hugo as an affianced couple and try to join the Fellowship of the Sun. Due to the mole in the vampire camp, the Newlins see them coming from a mile away and toss them in the basement, where somewhere Godric also is. Bill can't run to her rescue, because Lorena is in Dallas -- at Eric's explicit invitation -- being all "Ah am yore Maker" and holding him back. There are also some B-A-N-A-N-A-S flashbacks to their lives together as faux-French swinger/vampires in 1926 Chicago that... Well, frankly, they must be seen to be believed. Turns out the only thing more excruciating than Lorena's regular fake accent is her double-fake French accent.
Jason and Luke build a gibbet for the crucifixion and photodecomposition of a vampire, again presumably Godric. Meanwhile, we see some peaks and troughs in Sarah's affect, first with a bitchy AM interaction with Jason and Luke, and then in a manic PM episode where we come to find God wants her to fuck Jason in the chapel and then tell Steve all about it. Mysterious ways! Oh, and Steve's plan is revealed: he wants a war as bad as Vampire Stan does, which is what all of this has been heading towards.
Maxine turns off Hoyt's phone, thinking Jessica is a late-calling floozy, but he informs her that his girlfriend is a vampire and drives all night to be with her in Dallas. Lafayette has a nervous breakdown when Andy comes sniffing around about Miss Jeanette's murder, but Terry saves him with kind words and PTSD experience. Then he nearly loses it again, when Pam shows up with word from Eric that Lafayette will be going back to dealing V, for unexplained reasons. Meanwhile the rest of Bon Temps -- and you will never believe this, but -- let's just say there's an orgy.
Maryann shows her not-so-sweet side after a broken water heater delays her morning shower, and Tara drags Eggs out of town to get a replacement part. Halfway there, he starts feeling mysterious vibes and leads Tara to a random campsite where the Blair Witch once had a keg party, apparently. Much import is placed upon this mysterious shit, but since Eggs can't remember ever being there before except for how he was, nothing comes of it yet. The kids return to Sookie's a bit worse for wear, and walk in on a seriously scary orgy of straight fucking, with a whole rhythm section of many nations. After a few shocked faces, Tara and Eggs shrug and join the black-eyed grunting crew.
Overjoyed to finally be in the company of another shapeshifter, Sam takes off the afternoon to go running around in the woods in his doggy form, with Daphne as a giant pig. Whom Andy recognizes, and which is apparently Daphne's go-to shape. And yes, that does mean she's totally Maryann's creature, which we confirm when she tricks Sam into attending said orgy, delivers him into the cult's hands, and then places a giant minotaur mask on the vibrating Maryann's head, the better to hunt Sam down in the forest and I guess ritually gut him.
Eric's in the lounge at the Hotel Carmilla trying to get it up fangwise for this blood hooker, but he can't get into it, and he's just sort of staring into the middle distance until she goes, "That's it, baby," and he finally just gives up and shoves her away. "Baby? I am over a thousand years old." He whines that he's not really into "feeding on the willing," and in a conciliatory way the woman offers to pretend she doesn't totally want him feeding on her, and he makes her promise she's convincing, and as Lorena arrives the woman's like, "Stop. Get off me. You sick bloodsucking bastard." He ignores this business altogether, and just feeds already, but when Lorena arrives he feels her and holds up a finger, having lost his vampire boner for good. Blood hooker grabs her cash and takes off, grinning when he says she might as well tell her pimp she was great, and then thanks Lorena for answering his invitation.
Surprisingly, Bill and Sookie are fucking and pretending they're on vacation, because that's all they do this season, when somebody knocks on the door. It's Isabel, still in that white dress from Godric's house with a human guy named Hugo whom Isabel explains is Hers. Bill and Sookie graciously put on bathrobes and he microwaves a couple TruBloods, then the two couples have a seat. Sookie reads Hugo's mind and he's stone crazy in love with Isabel: Forever and not just my forever your forever and forever and forever.... You might think at some point somebody would point out how ridiculous Sookie's latest plan is, but no: Isabel's there to offer Hugo as a companion, because as she points out, "People of the church, they have a way of not trusting a woman when she's absent a man." Sookie agrees, because remember how she didn't have a man before Bill, but now she has Bill, and schmooby-schmoo he rubs her back and pulls a quarter out of her ear and whatever. Isabel and Hugo, one presumes, barf.
Eric cracks a joke about giving Lorena the room next to Bill and Sookie's, which sounds like a little bit of hell for everybody, and finally admits that Bill has something he wants. That's what he says. Lorena's totally grossed out -- "His human?" -- but Eric knows Sookie's not exactly that either. And anyway, shut up and do what Eric says, because isn't Lorena still totally in love with Bill? And isn't Bill still slightly in love with Lorena because she's his Maker? Eric's like, "I am still as fiercely devoted and loyal to my Maker as I was during that Viking flashback, because Godric is not only my two thousand-year-old Maker, but also a swell guy and the most wonderful player of video games I've ever seen, can play better two thousand-year-old basketball than men twice his height such as myself, saw Velvet Underground at CBGB's like a million times, and has met Anderson Cooper. Who told him he was dreamy." Lorena's all, "I will see your queerbutt Viking flashback, and I will raise you a truly gaywad speakeasy flashback. Picture it: Chicago, 1926..."