Tara has filled Jason in on how they found her, and they discuss whether it was Bill's drinking that took away her blood type, or Sookie drinking his blood that did it. (Interestingly, it's Jason that starts on this train of thought, because V was a life-changer for him and probably he's always wondered if her experience was like his; also probably they did not have the related "Did you ever just start masturbating on somebody's porch?" conversation.) Note how Tara is like, "I kicked him out in the sun! He is ash, now, just like Franklin! I am the worst Vampire Slayer of all time!"
They talk about how much they hate poor Bill for awhile -- activating, we note from the previews, a new way Jason can be Sookie's hero (or Hero, since it's always all about Jason) -- and then both start yelling at Sookie's coma about how they "fucking need her" until Lafayette finally tells them to stop cursing at her and calm down.
At this point let me tell you upfront everyeffinthang goes fucking B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
Magical Dream Sookie, with fresh as a daisy makeup and no wounds, wakes up in a shiny Magical Dream Hospital, which is deserted and smells like Kokomo. Picking up a crystal chalice and drawn forward by the laughter of children and rose petals and birds twirking, Sookie is drawn to a shining door -- Bad idea, Coma Girl! -- and before she steps through, she is joined by a radiant, beautiful creature (Claudine) who is super-shiny, super-sexy and maddeningly vague.
Sookie: "Why are we in a tampon commercial?"
Claudine: "Welcome to Iceland! We sell mountains, giggles and dragons!"
Sookie: "Why is the lens more vaselined than a Barbara Walters Special?"
Claudine: "Whatever! We're both wearing fairy dresses and Enya is playing! Have a Fruit Roll-up! Come out into the magical fairy garden! We be rollin' like Harry Potter!"
Sookie: "I feel like Little Nemo right now!"
Claudine: "More like Little Neo! Have some magical water!"
"Ooo, baby," said Life. Heaven is a place on Earth. As is Hell. And those that know the worth? Haven't met one yet. Get in the Game.
Sookie: "My chalice was empty!"
Claudine: "That is because men disrespected the Womynplace in every scene of this episode. You need to rejuvenate your womynplace like Ramona on Real Housewives by drinking, also like Ramona on Real Housewives!"
Sookie: "Andy Cohen is more beautiful than anyone except Brad Goreski!"
Claudine: "Ever since you got bought out you only talk about Bravo shows!"
Sookie: "That is a misapperception based on misplaced myths about brand loyalty that has no bearing on the quality of the work!"
Claudine: "I still love you."
Sookie: "I still love you! Who are you, though?"
Claudine: "I am a dream about Life and Light! Also a supermodel!"