Bill and Sookie kill Lorena with a minimum of dallying around, but before Tara and Alcide can help her get Bill loaded up in the van, Debbie arrives and acts all crazy on drugs. Since Tara is also crazy on drugs right now, she can tussle with Debbie just long enough for Cooter to walk in and get shot by Alcide.
Now, a moment of silence for Cooter.
Debbie offers Alcide this amazing curse of death and dismemberment that will surely bite everybody in the ass, and they get going off Russell's property. Sookie stays in the back of the van with Bill, because apparently the fact that it is daytime so of course he seems to be dead is too much for her to process about her vampire boyfriend, so she saws open a vein for him, which has two effects. At first there is the positive effect of helping him not be quite so dead anymore. But after a minute there is the negative effect of, he drinks all her blood and now she is in a coma.
Once Tara finds out about that, she kicks his ass out into the sunlight and they rush Sookie to the hospital. Bill, having just fed to bursting on Sookie's magical blood, is only minorly inconvenienced by the sunlight, and follows. At the hospital, lots of things are going on: Lafayette is quoting Inuit prayers, Tara is still crazy on drugs, and Sookie has no blood type. (Her blood? It has no type.) So she can't take a transfusion even of Universal O- or Jason's AB-. What is a girl in a coma with no blood to do?
...Apparently take a trip to a magical land where everybody is supermodels and they frolic with flowers in their hair and drink from a magical sparkling pond that is a portal to a land even more magical. Sookie's guide, the beautiful Claudine, invites her to go with them, but soon enough a "darkness" falls over the land, and the magical fairy people have to leave, an invite that Sookie declines. Other info of Claudine: It wasn't the water that killed Sookie's parents that time they drowned, and that Bill will, if Sookie's not careful, steal her "light." In the real world -- as the magical realm reveals itself to have actually been the Bon Temps Cemetery, which is the most important thing about the entire sequence -- Bill convinces Jason over Tara's strong protests to let him feed Sookie. He does, she wakes up, and screams bloody murder at the sight of Bill, for at least three reasons I can think of.
Eric turns Hadley into a vampire, I think, after torturing her to get info about Sookie out of the Queen. She won't tell, but Hadley does. (But we still don't know what's so special about their family.) Then he goes, along with Sophie and Russell, to visit Pam, who is being tortured real bad by the Magister. Turns out the Madge, and presumably Nan Flanagan, work for a mysterious Vampire Authority to which all must swear fealty. Russell is not into that anymore, so he tortures the Magister into finally marrying Sophie and then delivers a speech about how the Authority is over and he is the new Authority, and then kills the Magister's head off. Pam is fine, as I'm sure you'll be relieved to know. Also, I think in this paragraph alone everybody has now tortured everybody else at least once, so probably less torturing. (Bill will, of course, continue to be tortured.)
On this show there are also other people. Lafayette is in Ruston at the hospital with Sookie and Jason, so no Jesus this week. Sam infiltrates a dogfighting ring, spends way too little time running around naked in a dog collar, and then convinces Tommy to actually leave his parents and come live with him for real and stop killing other animals for sport. (Dad ends up, once again, in those undies.) Jason decides to sneak meth into the jail to get info on Crystal, which is just about Jason o'clock, while Summer's back to tell Hoyt that she is his new girlfriend... And making a pretty good case for herself.
Next week: Everybody's back in Bon Temps, I think, so hopefully Jessica will get some play. And Sookie and Bill have either a very lot or very little to talk about, depending on how much of a dealbreaker "sucked out all my blood and put me in a coma and is keeping secret files on my family and ran off to fuck Lorena the day after proposing to me" really is. But in the meantime, did I mention there was a magical land of glowing water and fancy people? This is the greatest show ever made. You cannot buy that in a bottle.
Want to immediately access TWoP content no matter where you are online? Download the free TWoP toolbar for your web browser. Already have a customized toolbar? Then just add our free toolbar app to get updated on our content as soon it's published.
Man, Lorena's fantastic. So she's got Sookie up against the wall and she's sucking on her blood and Bill's down on the floor and he's not doing so great. But you know who else is awesome? Miss Sookie Stackhouse, who after a moment of screaming and getting sucked on immediately goes back to being her usual faultlessly fuck-you self. Lorena's all, "You are magically delicious!" And Sookie tells her to fuck off. Lorena, for at least the third time, asks Sookie what she is, and Sookie thinks about saying "A waitress" like usual, but instead says that what she is today, in Mississippi, is the bitch what's going to kill Lorena.
It's a little awkward. Then Bill snags Lorena to the floor with his chain and the last of his strength, and holds her down on top of him like a tired cowgirl. Thank goodness this Slave Quarters comes equipped with an entire bucket full of jagged stakes right there. Sookie, who has only killed one person so far -- shovel through the neck! -- has a little bit of a crisis. Bill begs her to just stake the bitch, even helpfully holding her up and away from himself in case Sookie is worried about accidentally making a whole shishkebab, and Lorena realizes it's over, so she very gracefully agrees with Bill that probably staking her is the right call. Lorena's ability to understand love, which exceeds every other character's on this show or real life, is called into question, but she is peaceful. She dies with his name on her lips, which was always going to happen.
Fountains of blood are the next thing that come of Lorena, and then Sookie's there covered in her slithy toves and a very out-of-it Bill Compton. I don't know if the fact that his mom just died on top of him has to do with this, but it is, after all, daytime and he has, after all, been tortured nearly as long as dear Pam back home. I guess he just needs a nap. Sookie also needs a nap. Instead, what she does is start screaming her motherfucking head off for no discernable reason. Mostly, of course, it's Bill's name, but also some yelling for help. The "Come and eat me Nazi werewolves if you please" is just sort of implied.
What she doesn't know is that tweaked-out Tara and man-mountain Alcide are on the way, in his little van. So they show up and are confronted with: Sookie screaming, of course; Bill looking like fashion roadkill; and the many heaps of horror that were once our dear departed Lorena. Sookie is going through what were once her pockets, or her organs or whatever, looking for the keys to Bill's manacles -- a word she must have learned from her Word-A-Day calendar -- and it's an altogether confusing tableau for them to comprehend, being a sort of Jackson Pollack free-for-all.