Immediately upon waking up with naked Sam in her bed and learning that he is a shapeshifter -- not a werewolf, he's intense about pointing out -- Sookie decides to spend the entire episode waiting to die, feeling abandoned by everyone, and being a giant bitch. As usual, she has more than enough excuses to do so. She feels betrayed by Sam, both romantically and now ontologically, and what with Bill having run off for the nineteenth episode running to go play reindeer games with his vamp friends, she's in no mood. Arlene's engagement party -- a classically understated affair to be sure -- also provides the Killer with a pretext to stalk Sookie around Merlotte's and drive her right back into Sam's arms.
Eddie the Fang and Amy the Loon play a quick game of Cat and Mouse for Jason's soul, which Amy awesomely turns into some kind of fucked up European backpacking adventure where Eddie's their pet vamp, until a masculinity pep talk from Rene Lanier -- and a roughing-up from a very worried Lafayette -- cause Jason to assert himself by letting Eddie go. Amy goes sort of insane and stakes Eddie, causing massive heartbreak on Jason's part and a certain gooiness for Eddie.
Bill watches some guy get his fangs pulled out by the Tribunal, but when it's his turn for judgment, he manages to mouth off just enough that the Magister changes his sentence. Instead of being locked in a coffin for five years -- which is apparently just long enough to wither away to "leather and sticks" and go completely insane -- he's forced to sire a young sheltered Christian girl. Just when you think it's going to be really bad, you remember that you forgot glamouring, and that it's going to be okay... But then the Magister tells him to cut it out, which means the eventual ritual -- which, with everybody around, manages to encapsulate the worst parts of birth, murder, and sexual assault -- is even worse than you originally thought.
Tara spends the dawn doing intense ritual and personal demonology with Miss Jeanette, the morning with Lettie Mae sucking the heads of celebratory post-exorcism crawfish, the afternoon freaking the fuck out after discovering her hedge witch doubles as a stocker at Walgreens and literally snatching her bald, the evening flouncing around dressed like a drunken streetwalker from the '80s, the night getting into yet another horrible and pointless fight with Sam, and ends things by drunk driving her car into a tree to avoid hitting a strange goat-legged woman standing in the middle of the road with a hog as large as a VW Bug. The fact that she's played by an absolutely filthy Helena Cain means that she actually exists, and is in fact dreadfully important, and the smirk on her face as she walks away from the wreck promises us that Tara's about five seconds from finding out how scary real magic can be.
Come back on Friday for the full detailed recap. Until then, see what our vlogger thinks about Bill's accent.
The Bad & The Beautiful was a 1952 Vincent Minelli MGM film starring Lana Turner and Kirk Douglas. It was like Citizen Kane, but with Hollywood types doing the remembering: the writer, the actress, the director. The main character, Jonathan Shields, is a Hollywood scion and movie producer whose downturn in luck has caused another exec to bring his three victims together to help him make a new movie. They flashback to the various ways in which he created their fortunes, and betrayed them. It won five Oscars, and is a record holder for most awards won without being nominated for Best Picture. I don't know anybody that's ever seen it, but it's good: they're totally successful because of the bullshit he put them through, but they can barely even see straight about him, even years later, because he broke their hearts. He created them while he was destroying them, and they couldn't even see it:
It's barely dawn and Sookie is, since it's the beginning of an episode of True Blood, screaming bloody murder. This time it's because of naked Sam at the foot of her bed like the loveliest Christmas gift of a lifetime. When she demands to know what the hell he's doing there, he's still a little sleepy: "Nothing! Sleeping!" Sookie's next question is less humorous for being more understandable: "Did you touch me?" One day she'll wake up and that won't be the closest nightmare to hand. "Sookie, listen. Bill asked me to look after you while he was away..." Sookie, flattening herself against the headboard, every inch of her as far from him as possible, shivers and gasps: "Did he ask you to do it buck naked?" Man, even in PTSD she's awesome. "I want you out of here," she declares with her resolved face, and he shakes his head like a frustrated puppy:
"Now listen! Listen, Sookie, I need to tell you something about me. Something I've never told another person..." The last person who invaded her house, when she thought she was safe, killed her cat and left her body to be found, in the dark. "Oh my God, it's you! You're the murderer!" He reaches for her, and she slaps him, throwing herself off the bed: "Oh my God, you killed my grandmother!" Into the bathroom, where she quickly jumps behind the shower curtain and grabs a loofah. Not quite a murderous length of chain, but you can't always hit them out of the park. Eventually Sookie peeks around the curtain, horribly slowly, and there on the floor is Dean the border collie, looking up at her with sad eyes. Sam whines, and becomes a man. Standing in front of her, breathing hard, he swears he's not the killer. "I'm a shapeshifter," he says intensely, and Sookie smiles in wonder and bemusement, then becomes afraid as the world gets bigger again, and finally wrinkles her lip in derision. "Shut the fuck up."