Sam runs home with Cal's blood all over him and a million voices running through his head: Felton and Calvin, even Maryann, calling him all kinds of names. He pours whiskey on his knuckles and down his throat and flashes back to 2003, when a beautiful girl helped him steal massive amounts of jewelry so they could start a bar together, which was how he was going to make his dreams come true. He could be a bad guy just a little bit longer, with bad-guy hair, and then settle into being a good person for the first time in his life. Like every other character on the show, there was a point that he just knew he could be a better person, tomorrow or the day after that.

Oil-coiffed Sam was a Mickens and he didn't even know what a Mickens was, but even more shocking than this is how unattractive they've managed to make Sam Trammell back in 2003. There should be like a special effects Emmy in there somewhere. The girl he loved betrayed him, her boyfriend showed up as he was kissing her and stuck a gun to Sam's head, and they made off with all the jewels, and just for fun the boyfriend told Sam he was a dumb fuck that would never really get a girl like that. So Sam had to stay a bad guy a little bit longer.

Bill admits that Sookie's blood is quite delicious, and also managed to get him to whatever crossover place he needed to get in order to see Claudine, where he convinced her that he truly wanted to protect Sookie. Sookie wonders if the delicious faerie blood is why he's in love with her, and we add that to the list of things that make their relationship fake. Which isn't to say that their love is fake, but does bring to mind the questions you're not allowed to ask yourself about why anybody loves you. As a philosopher once said, "If you analyze why certain people end up with certain other people, it will make you want to kill yourself."

For example, he does not look at her the way Eric and Russell do, and yes he did eat her into a coma that one time, but it's still not what they're truly about in the true-love world of their very true love. Not that he's given her an exhaustive list of the reasons they hooked up in the first place, but that's a scab everyone on the show seems interested in picking, and there's an amazingly cheesy scene coming up that pretty much covers it, so fine. Bill Compton, you old softy: