True Blood

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 4 USERS: A+
The Secret History

"They stopped my mind from going around and around thinking about... Well, other stuff." He goes away for a second, and Sookie's finally like, "But 'Soldiers of the Sun'? My Lord. Didn't you for one second think what Gran would say? Guns and suicide bombers..." Things rapidly get stupid and this scene kind of nosedives into the toilet at this point. It's very stylized, but it's like it's shooting for opera and ends up at soap, so we'll buzz it. He doesn't want to talk about Gran because he "doesn't want to feel anything," but Sookie knows they have to keep eating the pie until it just tastes delicious. I mean, this is a conversation you have. This is a conversation I've had. And in the ridiculously wonderful pace of this show, it's a conversation they need to have right now. But for us, her old ass died a year ago and it's just sort of boring. Blonde leading the blonde.

So the Adele song plays and Sookie uses a bunch of hick metaphors to explain that they will keep Gran alive in their hearts and be better family to each other, because -- and this is one of Ball's big things -- they have joined the orphans once again. Jason apologizes for his bullshit, and Sookie fails to do the same, and instead explains to him that he's not retarded, just lazy, which is half true, and finally after a million hillbilly years he says the only authentic thing in the whole scene: "I love you, even though I wish you'd cook for me more. And you were normal. With a normal boyfriend." She laughs and says that she didn't have a choice about being normal, which is also true, and I love them a whole lot, but Jesus that scene was wonky.

They lay down and turn on the TV, and it's the Newlins -- big splotch on Steve's head from rubbing off last night's paintball massacre -- once again screeching wildly at Nan Flanagan. Sookie draws from their conversation that Godric volunteered, which is the first time anybody's said it out loud, and Nan tish-toshes that whole idea, but Sookie starts to figure it out here. Nan calls them terrorists, and Steve says they have the right to defend themselves, and she points out that the Fellowship came into Godric's house, not the other way around, and he's like, "You killed my father!" Sookie stares as Sarah Newlin goes into a tiny little bijou bit of a meltdown: "We are fighting for God's green earth! And daytime! And Christmas! And Easter eggs! And all that's sacred and good!"

Steve gets bored, and fake-completes her sentence that they're fighting for human rights, and she gets upset and asks to finish her thought, complaining to the moderator that "if he's not the center of attention, he just flips out," and Sookie realizes that they are bugfuck crazy. "How can you have a dialogue with these people?" Nan says, and instead of talking about death panels and calling Obama a Nazi, because that mile of bullshit hasn't happened yet, Steve just tells her to read her some St. Paul. (Which by the way is code for STFU, specifically because she's a woman, in case you haven't read the New Testament and/or Christian Insanity Magazine lately.)

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True Blood




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