ON THE OCCASION OF HIS MAJESTY'S SHITFIT

Eric: "My superpower is being adorable."
Sookie: "My superpower is my clothes disappear with a quickness."
Second Base: Occurs.
Bill: "My superpower is I ruin everything!"
Them boys have a big old fight that manages to preserve every piece of furniture in the whole place.
Sookie: "Eric. Hey, Eric? Eric! That dork is the King of Louisiana."
Eric: Flips over for a belly rub.
SWAT goons swarm the Stackhouse house and they steal Eric.

Sookie: "Stop stealing my boyfriend!"
Bill: "But Ah must accomplish my business. Mah vampire business."
Sookie: "This is positively all about me!"
(For once she is correct.)
Bill: "Ah assure you that mah actions do not reflect mah feelings about your love life."
(He proves this is the case by immediately calling her a ho.)

It is discussed that Eric is not a danger to anybody, except maybe kittens he might pet too hard. Bill maintains a vague, Palin-esque, saying-without-saying, stating without explaining hunch that Eric got a bunch of witch on him and thus presents some kind of danger.

Sookie: "If you ever loved me, don't do this."
Bill: "Um, you ripped up that card and shit on it when you lied right to mah face."

Sookie: "You're not making sense!"
Bill: "Ah have to believe what Ah am saying, and so Ah shall! He is faking it to make you His! Or alternately, he is under the control of witches!"
Sookie: "Wait, so is he faking it, or is he tainted by witchcraft beyond his control?"
Bill: "Both! Neither!"
Sookie: "I have trapped you in a web of logic. This is a first."
Bill: "SWAT team, don't let Sookie come back in here. She taxes mah brain."
Sookie: "At least I still have a job, and the woods aren't going anywhere or filling up with monsters, so of the three places I always am I'm still sitting pretty. For now!"

SHERIFF OF (CELLBLOCK) FIVE

Eric: "I need a hug. Wait, what's that terrible smell?"
Pam: "It is my fucking face."

Eric: "Too bad we're both in jail and probably going to get staked."
Pam: "Wait, what? No, this is the part where we fuck up King Bill."
Eric: "But he is my liege!"
Pam, verbatim: "Let me tell you a little something about King Bill. He's a self-loathing, power-hungry, pompous little dork. And you hate his guts. Snap the fuck out of it! You have no loyalty to Bill Compton. You are a Viking Vampire God, and you bow to no one."
Eric: "Treasonous talk like this makes me nervous. Also swears."