Pam: "I am going to fix you somehow. It was fun being vampire assholes with you."
Eric: "I do not think so highly of Old Eric. I think maybe it's better to be adorable."
Pam: "Fuck absolutely everything."

If you found out that you used to be a monster, would it be more important to be real or would you just commit yourself to being good from now on? Hint: The latter will result in your death. Every time.

UPSTAIRS

Vampires love Skype more than anything else in the world.
Nan Flanagan: "I was just eating nubile thighs in this perfectly tailored Ann Coulter cocktail suit. Better be important."
Bill: "Ah have kidnapped Sheriff Northman and that witch. They are chilling in mah high-tech dungeon."
Nan Flanagan: "Please don't kill anybody. What is his deal?"
Bill: "He punched your mom in the face, filled up your TiVo with Jersey Shore and Color Splash reruns and keeps posting planking pictures on his Tumblr. Whatever the worst thing is you can think of, he is doing it!"
Nan: "Very subtle, weirdo. I'll see if I can get permission for you to True Death him."
Bill: "Mah crown is so heavy! Especially when it allows me to be a shitty ex-boyfriend!"

ARLENE'S HOUSE OF CREEPSTERS

The house burns down around them, but they all escape, and Terry spends the rest of the episode unhappily holding his horrible armadillo. I don't know if you've ever gotten close to an armadillo, but they are the fucking worst. They smell like a zombie's leprosy asshole. Arlene tries to run in and save the devil baby, but it turns out -- once the house explodes into the sky -- that Mikey's been having a midnight picnic with his devil doll on the lawn the whole time. Also, he is friends with a voodoo lady that maybe only he can see.

AFTER SUNRISE

Sam: "Okay, I'm going to carefully not say out loud that renting this house to you two freaks was a bad idea. I'm going to say that I'm glad you're okay."
Arlene: "To put your mind at ease, I'm going to run around with my hands in the air talking about how my serial-killing ex-fiancé that killed your close friend is probably the culprit."
Terry: "Meanwhile, I will be acting like myself. One pupil permanently blown, holding an armadillo as far away from my body as possible because it smells like a zombie's leprosy asshole and generally twitching up a storm."