LOUISIANA'S HOTTEST HOTSPOT IS "THIS ONE PART OF THE WOODS WHERE EVERYBODY CONSTANTLY IS"
Sookie: "Jason! I am moments away from wandering out of your storyline!"
Alcide & Debbie: "Hey, Sook. That's so crazy that you walked all the way to Shreveport which is the only way we would run into you."
Sookie: "No, probably there aren't enough werewolves in Louisiana to require that many wolfpacks. I bet the whole Shreveport area is one big pack and you only run together once a month. That would also explain Greasy being Luna's babydaddy. In other news, I am on a roll. Hey, listen. Do you know anything about werepanthers?"
Debbie: "I am offended!"
Alcide: "I am level-headed."
Debbie & Alcide: "We are the most interesting people who ever lived."
Turns Out: Stupid fucking Hotshot didn't even know you couldn't bite a person into being a werepanther. On the other hand, halfbreeds are still weres, which means all Jason's babies could still be anthropanthromorphic, a word I made up.
Alcide: "Sookie, do you need me to act like your big brother and solve all your problems like usual?"
Sookie: "You've already helped me more than you know. Go, shift, kill stuff. Do whatever werewolves do. I got this!"
That last said with the kind of hilarous, adorable, wild-eyed zeal she usually employs for sucking bullets out of people.
MERLOTTE TRAILER OF SLUT-SHAMING
Luna: "That was crazy! It was almost like I was getting raped by a teenager in his older brother's body."
Luna: "Anyway. Probably just that full moon nobody's mentioned in six seconds. Let's turn into animals and fly around and be whimsical until you want to barf."
Sammy: "References to shapeshifting remind me of killing my parents. Your whimsy and romance remind me that Sam is more worthwhile than I am! I will never be happy! Ya whore!"
Luna: "Whoa. You just shapeshifted into a dick."
Sammy: "I am on a rampage! And I have cramps some more! Get the fuck out of my trailer so I can barf up my guts and maybe die for some reason!"
Luna: "If you were a Skinwalker, maybe I could help. Oh well. Go fuck yourself, Sam Merlotte."
But you know? If they weren't brothers...
Anyhow. Pukes up guts, maybe dies. Skinwalking is tough on you for some reason; harder still when you've convinced yourself that you are everything disgusting, and your brother is everything beautiful. Tommy has got so much going on right now.