WOODS QUESTION: ARE THEY REALLY BIG? OR REALLY TINY?
Or is this actually a Midsummer Night's Dream thing? Because honestly every single person at some point in this episode either ended up in this one square acre, or is currently in jail at Bill's house. Characters from entire other TV shows are in these woods right now. These woods are so hot you probably won't be able to even get a table in these woods pretty soon. I thought I saw Lindsay Lohan in these woods once, but it turned out to be just this homeless guy. I saw Lauren Conrad in these woods once. Oh yeah? I heard she's really nice. Yeah, she was really nice.
Sookie: "Jason! I am about to get bored of you in five! Four! Did I mention you can't even get bitten into anthropanthromorphicism on the show? Three! Two!"
Eric: "OMG Sookie. Your ex-boyfriend gives the best zerberts."
They do it. They are reasonably attractive and very healthy people, so I guess it's attractive in a SoloFlex ad kind of way? But I don't know. Something about it is missing. I have this issue with nature where I don't like it touching me, so...
Oh, maybe it's as a reversal of Bill and Sookie getting all rough in the grave dirt, like, in this abundant life by the river, going slow and sweet, instead of frantically fucking like they were both going to die. Like, this season is as much about the moment after Sookie realizes that Bill was a Lie as it is falling for the new Lie that is Eric. Difference being that neither of them are actually Lies, but only Sookie would be able to tell that for sure, and she's the one running this show, so right now this Lie is true. You know what I mean?
I like that, do you like that? Anyway, they do it. And I think maybe Bill can feel it in his vampire heart, or maybe not, but either way he knows what's happening, so he drinks blood like wine and stands on his porch and stares out across the graveyard that used to be the only thing between them, when she was His. He can't become anything this time because there's nothing left for him to become. He's never looked so tall.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps True Blood and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion.