It's Jason's first full moon, so when Sookie finally tracks him down he's handcuffed himself to the bed. Hours later, Alcide finally informs her that you can't even get turned into a were -- it's strictly genetic -- but by that time Jason's off getting a flirty and wise pep talk from Jessica, and Sookie's more concerned with Eric's whereabouts anyway...
Because her first kiss with him was interrupted a couple of seconds into the underwear level by old King Bill, who arrests Eric for being Eric and then dicks around with the idea of killing him. He even goes so far as to get permission from Nan and the AVL, but the 100% adorableness of Eric's last-minute Nermalling proves too powerful even for Bill's dorky agenda, and he lets Eric go. Then Eric and Sookie fuck in the forest for about ten years while Bill listens to Neko Case and acts ridiculous.
Also set free thanks to Eric's total adorableness is Pam, who makes a beeline for Tara's throat, since Lafayette's in Mexico and Marnie's still locked up in Billtanamo Bay. Tara's having a good night, considering Naomi drove all the way to Bon Temps to break up with Toni, have weird sex, and then hook back up, with Tara this time. Hope she lives through this latest Pam attack, but then, I guess you don't really date Tara for longevity.
Turns out gross Luis (gross Olivier from Six Feet Under) was not the coolest vampire priest to ever murder an innocent person or several: He also raped Antonia the Witch Lady because that's how terrorism and authoritarianism regimes work, making it personal. Marnie does her stupid suicide shit some more, and this time Antonia comes to live there for good, proving Fiona Shaw deserves her reputation times a billion. And her first victim? Luis, on watch when it goes down. And not a second too soon.
Luckily, Arlene and Terry get the family -- including Terry's armadillo -- out of their burning house before it explodes, only to find Mikey and the Devil Doll waiting for them on the lawn. Mikey is friends with some kind of gorgeous voodoo lady creeper, which is interesting; also interesting is Andy Bellefleur, his V-fueled romantic overtures to Witch Holly, and the fact that Sam finally tells him to fucking fuck off and stop being so awful all the time. That would be nice. Also, Holly and Andy are totally cute together.
In Shreveport, Debbie gives Alcide a fairly awesome and effective pitch for checking out this new Pack, while in Mexico, the boys take part in a ritual that involves Jesus surviving a rattlesnake bite and Lafayette -- whose magic power is apparently being a medium -- channeling random members of Jesus's extensive brujo family and I guess curing him from the snakebite or something. It's creepy and dirty and gross, but still not as scary as when Jesus literally says out loud that he'd go darkside to save Lafayette.
Sam's dealing with landlord stuff all day because of the fire, so he asks Tommy to open the bar on his behalf, despite still being in double-parricidal shock. The Skinwalker thing finally kicks in, and Sam Trammell does a mind-blowingly kick-ass Tommy impression for the rest of the episode: Tommy fires Sookie (for being Sookie), rapes and humiliates Luna (with only slight hesitation), and then barfs and turns back into Tommy and/or dies.
It seems to be sharply dividing into those who are trying to integrate their selves and those who are trying to turn into somebody else, which, if you've seen this show you know what side you're supposed to be on, but you also know that any amount of -- or even feint towards -- mental health is just asking for it in the ass, so at this midpoint it's interesting to watch everybody switch and do opposite things.
Next week: Somebody shoots Bill, somebody gets silvered in the Fangtasia! coffins, presumably Eric and Sookie do it on all of her household surfaces, Tommy continues to be a super sad fucking individual, the wolfpack acts trashy but Alcide is still above it, at least twelve people get raped just like every other episode this season, and Jessica realizes she might like Jason in that way.
ON THE OCCASION OF HIS MAJESTY'S SHITFIT
Eric: "My superpower is being adorable."
Sookie: "My superpower is my clothes disappear with a quickness."
Second Base: Occurs.
Bill: "My superpower is I ruin everything!"
Them boys have a big old fight that manages to preserve every piece of furniture in the whole place.
Sookie: "Eric. Hey, Eric? Eric! That dork is the King of Louisiana."
Eric: Flips over for a belly rub.
SWAT goons swarm the Stackhouse house and they steal Eric.
Sookie: "Stop stealing my boyfriend!"
Bill: "But Ah must accomplish my business. Mah vampire business."
Sookie: "This is positively all about me!"
(For once she is correct.)
Bill: "Ah assure you that mah actions do not reflect mah feelings about your love life."
(He proves this is the case by immediately calling her a ho.)
It is discussed that Eric is not a danger to anybody, except maybe kittens he might pet too hard. Bill maintains a vague, Palin-esque, saying-without-saying, stating without explaining hunch that Eric got a bunch of witch on him and thus presents some kind of danger.
Sookie: "If you ever loved me, don't do this."
Bill: "Um, you ripped up that card and shit on it when you lied right to mah face."
Sookie: "You're not making sense!"
Bill: "Ah have to believe what Ah am saying, and so Ah shall! He is faking it to make you His! Or alternately, he is under the control of witches!"
Sookie: "Wait, so is he faking it, or is he tainted by witchcraft beyond his control?"
Bill: "Both! Neither!"
Sookie: "I have trapped you in a web of logic. This is a first."
Bill: "SWAT team, don't let Sookie come back in here. She taxes mah brain."
Sookie: "At least I still have a job, and the woods aren't going anywhere or filling up with monsters, so of the three places I always am I'm still sitting pretty. For now!"
SHERIFF OF (CELLBLOCK) FIVE
Eric: "I need a hug. Wait, what's that terrible smell?"
Pam: "It is my fucking face."
Eric: "Too bad we're both in jail and probably going to get staked."
Pam: "Wait, what? No, this is the part where we fuck up King Bill."
Eric: "But he is my liege!"
Pam, verbatim: "Let me tell you a little something about King Bill. He's a self-loathing, power-hungry, pompous little dork. And you hate his guts. Snap the fuck out of it! You have no loyalty to Bill Compton. You are a Viking Vampire God, and you bow to no one."
Eric: "Treasonous talk like this makes me nervous. Also swears."