Jesus: "Lafayette is missing! He gave Terry $100 to cover him and then ran away to Shreveport!"
Tara: "Sam, I gotta go. Luckily I have an entire anti-vampire arsenal in my car because we live in a post-Russell Edgington society and I live in a post-Franklin Mott craziness."
Sam: "Okay. I'll just stay here in my fascinating storyline about natural gas rights."

THE REDOUBTABLE PORTIA BELLEFLEUR

Bill: "Eric, Ah am beginnin' to worry that mah plan worked, and you are truly deceased. Call me back upon the telephone."
The Redoubtable Portia Bellefleur: "Here's the thing. I am the smartest and most powerful lady in Bon Temps, and everyone else is below my station. You are the smartest and most powerful fella in Bon Temps, and nobody will have you because your last girlfriend was the town retard."
Bill: "Ah believe Ah know where you are headed with this one, good lady."
Portia: "I think we should hook it up and have sex. With one another."

Bill, verbatim: "Ah could never love you."
Portia: "God, your social skills really are for shit."
Bill, verbatim: "...One needs a young heart to take the leap that love requires of us, and my heart, like every other part of me, is no longer young."

Portia: "So many jokes! To be made!"
Bill: "Please just don't use the word 'stiff.' For some reason that really bugs me."

MERLOTTE'S

Jessica brings the horrible doll to Arlene so she can give it to her devil baby and then there will be two creepy babies. Arlene is fine with this because the only thing she hates more than her child is vampires, so it's a wash. I think the devil baby and the devil doll will form a coalition of deviltry and start taking over brains. But after that, I don't know, because it would be the first ever storyline on this show that isn't mainly about fucking.

Tommy approaches his broheim about buying Maxine's house and cheating her out of the lease rights, and it's funny because what: She's just going to spend that money on crap anyway and buy like a million more dolls. I mean, who knows what Tommy would spend it on. Probably buy a bar next door to Sam's and call it also Merlotte's and everything about it would be just a little bit shittier.