Sam shows up then, all tail wagging and bright morning eyes, and Andy -- out of shame, and V excitement, and generally being an asshole -- starts a huge fight with him over nutty imaginary things, throws a punch, gets punched, and eventually pulls a gun on Sam. It's really sad and Sam, you know, he's the nicest. So he is weirded and worried about Andy's new kind of crazy. But since it's Andy "I Saw A Goddamn Pig" Bellefleur, you know it's gonna take more than just pulling a gun on Sam Merlotte for people to notice.

BACHELOR #3

Alcide: "I am mostly for looking at."
Sookie: "All my fake boyfriends are so rich and have such normal pretty houses, I am a very lucky girl. You are the person I should be with, but nobody ever makes the right calls in this life. Of the Pacey and the Dawson you are the even more boring third person. So anyway, can you take care of Eric for me?"
Alcide: "Like, murder him?"
Sookie: "No, like actually take care of him... He's really cute right now, with his problems? Witchnesia?"
Alcide: "Oh, of course. Everybody knows about witchnesia."
Sookie: "And I just thought, since Bill is King and I'm still mad at him, and Eric was a good pretend boyfriend until he caught the witchnesia, you're the next best person. So like, you want to be my pretend boyfriend?"
Alcide: "Does that come with any benefits?"
Sookie: "I will stomp around and yell at you and drive you nuts."
Alcide: "You already do that. You are doing that currently."
Sookie: "Then no, not really."
Alcide: "I'll do it!"

Debbie Pelt: "Sookie, hi! It's been just ages since we fought nearly to the death in your upstairs bedroom and you almost blew a buckshot hole in me."
Sookie: "The fuck? You're living with Debbie Pelt?"
Alcide: "She's been off drugs for a whole year! She even brushes her hair now!"
Sookie: "I have to go."
Debbie Pelt: "You want a Vienna sausage? Squash pickle? Crawfish dip?"
Sookie: "These questions are malevolent."
Debbie Pelt: "Yeah, apparently I have never eaten food before, so I don't know how grotesque and unappetizing that spread is. Please be my friend."