True Blood
If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin'?

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 2 USERS: B+
A Visit From The Poon Squad

Bill, verbatim: "Ah could never love you."
Portia: "God, your social skills really are for shit."
Bill, verbatim: "...One needs a young heart to take the leap that love requires of us, and my heart, like every other part of me, is no longer young."

Portia: "So many jokes! To be made!"
Bill: "Please just don't use the word 'stiff.' For some reason that really bugs me."


Jessica brings the horrible doll to Arlene so she can give it to her devil baby and then there will be two creepy babies. Arlene is fine with this because the only thing she hates more than her child is vampires, so it's a wash. I think the devil baby and the devil doll will form a coalition of deviltry and start taking over brains. But after that, I don't know, because it would be the first ever storyline on this show that isn't mainly about fucking.

Tommy approaches his broheim about buying Maxine's house and cheating her out of the lease rights, and it's funny because what: She's just going to spend that money on crap anyway and buy like a million more dolls. I mean, who knows what Tommy would spend it on. Probably buy a bar next door to Sam's and call it also Merlotte's and everything about it would be just a little bit shittier.

Things proceed to terrible pretty quickly, of course, because no way is Sam going to go along with this plan, even though Maxine is the fucking worst, and then Sam also reminds Tommy that Hoyt is one hundred times better than him (and, in the margins of this, Jessica chose Hoyt too) so Tommy can't even be a good replacement Hoyt. He tells Tommy to vamp up and tell Maxine about the offer, but you know that's not happening.

Tommy: "I hate your fucking guts, Sam Merlotte!"

If you have a relative who is a shifter, I'm going to say this one more time, if you are a shifter and have a relative who is a shifter, you better keep them happy so they don't say stuff like that, because you know what Chekov said about having a skinwalker in the first act.


He's gone missing again, once Sookie gets home with some Tru Blood. Prowling, sniffing for portals to faerieland or patrolling the grounds like the sweet old golden retriever he has turned out to be. Sweet, rabid golden retriever, with the lipstick always out.


Getting manhandled by Pam, who explains to him one more time that Eric is what she is all about. Tara and Jesus show up, guns cocked, holding Ginger by the hair, and she screams and runs around and is ridiculous, and at some point Pam finds Tara alluring even though she wants to fuck and kill all three of them. In the end, though, she gives them twenty-four hours to produce Marnie, who can then take the spell off Eric or something, get eaten maybe, but either way they'll all be safe and Eric will be back.

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True Blood




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