Alcide: "I am mostly for looking at."
Sookie: "All my fake boyfriends are so rich and have such normal pretty houses, I am a very lucky girl. You are the person I should be with, but nobody ever makes the right calls in this life. Of the Pacey and the Dawson you are the even more boring third person. So anyway, can you take care of Eric for me?"
Alcide: "Like, murder him?"
Sookie: "No, like actually take care of him... He's really cute right now, with his problems? Witchnesia?"
Alcide: "Oh, of course. Everybody knows about witchnesia."
Sookie: "And I just thought, since Bill is King and I'm still mad at him, and Eric was a good pretend boyfriend until he caught the witchnesia, you're the next best person. So like, you want to be my pretend boyfriend?"
Alcide: "Does that come with any benefits?"
Sookie: "I will stomp around and yell at you and drive you nuts."
Alcide: "You already do that. You are doing that currently."
Sookie: "Then no, not really."
Alcide: "I'll do it!"
Debbie Pelt: "Sookie, hi! It's been just ages since we fought nearly to the death in your upstairs bedroom and you almost blew a buckshot hole in me."
Sookie: "The fuck? You're living with Debbie Pelt?"
Alcide: "She's been off drugs for a whole year! She even brushes her hair now!"
Sookie: "I have to go."
Debbie Pelt: "You want a Vienna sausage? Squash pickle? Crawfish dip?"
Sookie: "These questions are malevolent."
Debbie Pelt: "Yeah, apparently I have never eaten food before, so I don't know how grotesque and unappetizing that spread is. Please be my friend."
Outside, Sookie mean-girls his shit so amazingly:
"Alcide, I'm happy for you. Debbie looks really good, really healthy. I hope she can keep with it! Lord knows stranger things have happened."
You think it's the last line that's the punchline, but I'm telling you every word of that entire speech is essential to understanding how much of a bitch Sookie can be if she feels like it. It's complex and gorgeous. But the main point is that Sookie can't leave her pet vampire in a house with a recovering V addict, so this whole thing was not a great plan anyway. And I mean, she wasn't just any addict, she was like a drainer. And in that Germanic pre-post-Russell Edgington biker cult with poor Cooter, even.