True Blood
If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin'?

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 2 USERS: B+
YOU GRADE IT
A Visit From The Poon Squad

GOD I MISS COOTER

We finally get a glimpse of Maxine's house and her little family with Tommy Mickens, and it's sweet. Her house always seems so cozy, so partially hydrogenated. She's teaching him to read off the TV screen of the QVC Marie Osmond dolls that they're thinking about purchasing. Also, if you are paying attention maybe they said it before, but this is the first time I noticed that Halloween is coming, All Hallow's Eve, like, the day in the year where the line between life and death gets bendy. And once you notice that, you start to see pumpkins and stuff all over every set. But especially Maxine's house, because she is a queerbutt.

There's a joke in her teaching him to read that's kind of annoying, because while it's well-played (He can't quite sound out "belle," and she's like, "It's French, who knows") by the actors, this show takes place in the one state of America where that joke doesn't make any sense. Anyway, they're so cute and I wish that I could adopt Tommy Mickens also, so I feel like I know where she's coming from. He answers the door so she doesn't have to interrupt her home shopping, and we're reminded why you should never trust people or let them into your home.

Seems Maxine's sitting on what might be a natural gas treasure trove, and so instead of bringing her out to talk to the man, Tommy takes on his new persona of Max Fortenberry, son of Maxine. The lease offer is $10,000 an acre for three years, plus 17.5% royalties on anything they find; Tommy Who Cannot Read jumps that to $12K for five years plus a 20% royalty and whatever, they talk about talking about it later.

So he lies to her that it was J-Dubz at the door, and thinks about how he can buy that house out from under her. Like if only there was somebody he knows that always has a ton of money, whom he loves in a particularly binding and painful way, and whom if he killed them he would get the ultimate grifter power -- that would be a good person to underwrite this one. Meanwhile, Maxine's just like, "Call me Mama!" like that's normal or okay.

HOTSHOT

Crystal: "Take this Mexican Viagra so our whole town of underaged, inbred ladies can fuck you in front of each other and then we can all be pregnant with a million Jason Stackhouse babies and become the stupidest town in the entire universe like a black hole of intellect where people just driving by get stupider, and a handful of people on the internet can get their panties in an outraged bunch and invent absurdly sheltered, and frankly offensive, false equivalencies about rape. You'll be our new Ghost Daddy."
Jason: "I do feel like I am being barfed."
Crystal: "That's the magic! Or maybe drugs."

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True Blood

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