True Blood

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C | 1 USERS: A-
YOU GRADE IT
Define "Screw"

Jason wakes up. That's like all Lafayette is ever saying to him. Jason prevaricates about how he wasn't sleeping on the job, and Lafayette calls him "supervisor" in a tone that causes most of the swamp grass along the road to wither away and die. "I know what you're thinking," Jason says, wiping sleep from his eyes and trying to remember how adults act, "But I got a lot on my mind lately." Lafayette is sympathetic to the fact that Jason has not once had any things on his mind, previous to this point, and complains about the ongoing mess of Tara's insides that he is now dealing with every moment. Jason gets worried about Tara, but before he can ask about it Hoyt starts screaming: There's a body in a culvert, and it's missing its head and hands. Hoyt does not deal with headless bodies very well, I suppose.

Sookie's doing some kind of housework outside when she hears somebody's thought's were-inflected, coming closer. That must be her, said blond and pretty. No wonder the girl's a magnet for trouble... She runs full-tilt into the house, ready to start a big fight with a werewolf as usual, but he grabs her and swears he's not going to hurt her. "I've had vampire blood! I'll kick your ass!" God, I love Sookie this year. The werewolf -- who is about six and a half feet of brooding sexy, my favorite boy in the entire series of books, and is bulked up to the point where his muscles have muscles -- introduces himself as Alcide Herveaux, sent by Eric to watch over her while Eric can't. Somehow Sookie finds it within herself to keep from climbing up his body like a spider monkey, which just goes to show you how hardcore she really is.

Over at Merlotte's, because Sam can't catch a fucking break -- although it's funny, because you're like, "Tara has it rough" until Jessica's onscreen and then you're like, "Well, Jessica has it rough" and by the end of every episode you're like, "These people" -- his horrible family shows up in their nicest Ed Hardy outfits and they're not even really trying to hide the fact that they want some of his money and generally to pester him and make themselves better by sucking the betterness out of him. He offers to sit them down with a free lunch, and they act like Charlie Bucket -- especially poor mom, of course, who is the most tragic piece of crap I've ever seen in my entire life -- and Tommy is a dick some more and Joe Lee is pathetic -- "Always dreamed of having my own chicken shack, I would call it Mickens' Chicken & Chitlins!" -- and I hate them, I hate them, I hate them.

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True Blood

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