True Blood

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C | 1 USERS: A-
Define "Screw"

Hollis, the giant bouncer, recognizes Alcide from "the old pack," and Alcide sort of quietly apologizes for disappearing, pointing out his dislike of the new crew. He tells Sookie she's dressed kinda like "dinner" and Alcide promises to watch out for her, but then immediately when they go into the club, he's like, "Oh right, we have to split up because you can't be seen with me because of my open antipathy toward like every single person in this establishment." So I mean, explain that to me. How is Alcide helping her infiltrate the were community if he's got beef with some of the were community? He takes a place with his "guys," to watch out for her, and she... Oh, Sookie. You magnificent bastard. Like, this is her idea of how you do this.

"Hey, boys! Oh my God, I am so stupid. I left my wallet in the car, but I am parched. Any of you guys mind buying a girl a Cosmo?" They stare at her like they're wondering if this is an Other Sister-type situation, but of course she's used to that so she just keeps going. "I've been to much tougher places than this. Any of you heard of a place in Louisiana called Fangtasia?" They ask her if she's a fangbanger, kind of fascinated by her bizarre display, and she's like, "There's nothing meaner or stronger than a vampire. What's not to like?" You know what bikers like? When you call them a fag.

It's called Lou Pine's! I just can't get over this. And this is from a book where one of the characters has a store called "Tara's Togs" (For real!) and another one owns a company called "Extreme(ly) Elegant Events." (And they say it all the time.) Isn't that so extremely elegant?

Anyway. One of the weres likes Sookie's baiting -- and breasts, mostly breasts -- it so much that he offers A) the information that he beat a vamp so bad the other night that she would probably want to offer him fellatio in admiration and B) would she be interested in going somewhere private so she can get totally raped and murdered? Um, you know Sookie, right?

"Me first, or you?" Well, considering what I was picturing, that's downright romantic. But now that Sookie's got what she imagines to be a lead, her craziness is full-on back. "You know a vampire? Can you take me to him?" He's all, "Like a three-way?" Which, again, is much more sporting that I would have thought, coming from an admirer like this. However, sadly, it is at this point that communication sort of breaks down.

All freaked out on the V, and just mystified as to what bullshit Sookie is up to, there is a massive instance of violence that brings Alcide running, just a bit later than one of the many vampire boyfriends probably would show up. They fight and fight and fight and the biker werewolves sort of vaguely give a shit and then I guess it's resolved or something, and they leave. The whole thing is just super oddly directed and shot and weird and slow-motion and unconvincing, and the set is awful... Maybe these scenes were filmed later, or earlier, or something? Because they are wretched. At this point in an episode, I should not be thinking about this stuff. Hell, it takes a lot for me to ever think about this stuff. But Lou Pine's is for the birds.

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True Blood




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