True Blood

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 2244 USERS: B-
YOU GRADE IT
Who's Afraid Of Naomi Wolf?

Steve hoots about how he can "almost understand" why "some people" believe in divorce. Jason doesn't get it, he's like, "But you got Sarah!" And Steve's like, "I'm just kidding!" Um, okay. Then he throws open this door, revealing a motherfucking armamentarium, and they both go little-boy apeshit about the flame throwers, and the throwing stars, and the bazookas large and small, machetes up top, the whole thing, and Jason's trying desperately to keep up with Steve's thought processes, and it's like a little boy watching his dad work on a car and pretending to know how cars work. So Steve talks about how arrows are like wooden stakes that travel at 324 feet per second of the Lord's awesome velocity and they're ordering a guillotine for next week and it gets powerfully musky in that little room and their boners are like, "Amen."

Maryann and Karl drive up outside Merlotte's and she does magical troublemaking, which sounds like Bill glamouring somebody a little bit. Inside, Arlene is being rude to some seriously unfortunate patrons, who are then rude to each other while she's at the bar being rude to Tara, to whom Sam is also being rude. Then Daphne and Arlene start bitching at each other, and Lafayette comes in to yell at Tara, and Terry joins in, and it's like this bacchanalia of petulance, and finally Tara suffers a breakdown and just stares into space and thinks about quitting, and out in the parking lot Maryann's like, "...And we're good."

Jason is taking a bath in a huge tub in a huge bathroom under a huge statue of three people fucking each other, in a classy statue way, and he hears somebody come in and tells them to go away, but it's Sarah, who locks the door and then comes and sits down by the tub, scaring the pee out of him, and then she offers to wash him -- you know, like friends do -- and talks about how Mary Magdalene used to dry Jesus's feet with her hair, which the way she describes it does seem awfully neighborly, but not as neighborly as a handjob, which Sarah produces immediately after a five-second loofah rubdown of his right arm and nipple, with the following explanation: "I think that after all your trials, heartache and pain... God wants you to have a reward. Let me reward you, Jason!" Mostly it's just sad.

True Blood

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