True Blood

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 2 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
The Five And A Half Minute Hallway

The CGI frost on their breath is untenable. Andy conveys his condolences on Daphne dying, and then starts talking fucking crazynuts. "When I was growing up I had a nanny. Her name was Annie. Annie the nanny! She used to say to me that, uh, in the country of the blind, the one-eyed man was king. I think she told me that because she thought I was one of the blind, but... You got the burden of being the one-eyed man. I envy that." You shouldn't: that's you. That's all Andy's been this year. Sam's a supe so he doesn't get to be in that story. But Andy, maybe his tenuous sobriety is the same as Terry's shellshock: stress inoculation that keeps him from being taken over. I do know that it's fun to watch Andy dance around, because he's adorable, but if he ever gets the black eyes, won't your heart break a little bit? Maybe he'll get just one. Anyway, Sam's like, "I have no idea WTF you are talking about"; Andy admits he doesn't either. That's how you know it means something.

Jason parks out back in the underbrush and assembles his weapons -- fireworks, nailguns, the gas mask from his Strangler games, but once again no guns -- and heads into Merlotte's. Jane's asking Sam through the door if he knows a Peanut Burch, unable to remember who he is or why she called him or whom she was meant to call instead. Mike Spencer drinks beer from the tap; there is angry cunnilingus close by. Old people are fucking against the pool table while a guy snorts coke and a man and woman lap mustard from a young girl's thighs. Only in Bon Temps would you see this much orgiastic activity and not a single guy-on-guy. Thank God for Fangtasia! and its lapsed morals.

Once this was home. Appalled, Jason tells them all to cut it out, but of course they just keep laughing and redouble their efforts. Brandishing a chainsaw, he is at a loss for a moment, but then cuts their CD player in half with a barbaric yawp, cutting all the way through the bar. They stare, disappointed, getting mad. There are punches thrown before he's able to grab Arlene and point the nailgun at her poor empty head. "Ambush! Ambush!" Terry screams, but the rest of them cheer. "Yeah! Nail her!" Arlene's all for it, but Terry suddenly gets afraid for his "special lady." She tells him it'll be fine, she needs a haircut anyway, but he's not having it. Terry finally calls a timeout, and they parlay.

"All right, Stackhouse. Name your demands." Jason tells them all to leave, and he'll hand her over. Arlene laughs, and Terry calls to his troops. "All right. The order is to retreat. Immediately." There is resistance, but Terry informs them that when he gives an order they'd better fucking follow it, which is enough to get them moving. "We will unfuck this situation at a later date!" Jane Bodehouse continues to be totally amazing, all wolfish eyes and smacking lips and general craziness. Terry marches them out, and Jason hands her over before locking the door. "Oh, baby. My hero," she moans outside. "I love it when you get all military like that. Where's your guns, baby?"

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True Blood

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