True Blood

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 2 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
The Five And A Half Minute Hallway

One would think Tara would be happy to see Sookie, since Sookie's been ignoring her almost entirely for, um, twenty-two episodes of this show now, but one would be wrong. "Get me the fuck out, you cunt, or I will kill you." This house is empty. Once it was home. Sookie leans in and tries to do her mindreading thing, but there's just a black cloud. All that fake civilization bullshit just fallen away. Lettie Mae is sort of fascinated, sort of astonished by the fact that Sookie is psychic, but I guess those are the little things you miss when you go on a thirty-year bender. Tara asks her to stop raping her brain, which is... Exactly what she's doing, and it's gross, and this whole thing is gross and violating, and the reason that we know that is that Bill says, "You have to go further into her mind than you ever have before," which is gross on this show, and beside the point, and simultaneously Tara notices the bandage around Sookie's wrist: "You try and kill yourself?" Which is, if you're not careful, exactly what Vampire Boyfriend is about. He could leave you cold.

"I don't blame you, with your fucked-up life," Tara spits, and Sookie pushes further into her mind, and sees the first proper Maryann orgy-orgy, with the Reese's Pieces and the dancing, and then there's a black abyss. "Abyss" is the word Sookie uses. Nobody seems to notice what that means: You never go home. This is a violation. Then Bill's like, "I've been raping girls' brains for two hundred years" and tries to give glamouring a try, and Sookie says she doesn't want to hurt her, but Bill doesn't care, so while Lafayette watches worriedly and holds onto Lettie Mae's hand, the two of them force their way into her, together. That is disgusting on every level this show has, and it's going to bite them in the ass.

Arlene tearfully thanks Sam for his service, "For giving us all this gift so that He can come into the world," as they tie him to the roof of a car. Jane cheers when the first of Jason's flares fly over; in zombievision it's beautiful. A figure stands on a car close by, with killer abs and a gas mask, with flashing lights all around courtesy of Andy Bellefleur. "Silence! It is me, the God Who Comes! Ah-ha-ha! I have come, and now I am here!" Mike's not sold; Andy remembers that the Horned God has horns, and runs off to get them. "Sam Merlotte, you are my offering! People, your work here is done. Go home!" Jane's bummed, but God is serious. "He is the best offering ever! You will all have great weather! And good crops! Now leave!" Terry calls bullshit, because God has horns, and Jason does some kind of American Gladiator shit -- my notes say "JS: power move," like that's a thing -- and Andy holds up the branches behind his head, and it's awe-inspiring and hilarious.

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True Blood

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