True Blood

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 2 USERS: A+
The Five And A Half Minute Hallway

Outside, Sookie and Bill put the whole Bon Temps season together in agonizingly slow detail, because that's how they do everything, and Bill flashes back to this one time in Chicago a hundred years ago when he was reading this one book and this one page was really interesting and what it said was: MARYANN IS A MAENAD WHO DRESSES UP LIKE A MINOTAUR AND PRETENDS TO BE A SOCIAL WORKER. HER LIKES INCLUDE: HOT SHOWERS IN THE AM, ORGIES, EATING EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME, SCRATCHING YOUR GIRLFRIEND ALL UP, QUALITY WEED, HITTING KARL, AND DOING A SPOOKY DANCE. ALSO DOES EVIL ACTIVITIES ON THE REG, SUCH AS CUTTING OUT HEARTS AND VIBRATING AT DOG PEOPLE OR PIG PEOPLE. He's like, "Sookie, I have a vague idea of what Maryann's about. But right now I have to run off and have a secret meeting with a secret vampire person who has many secrets," and then totally peaces.

Sookie's like, "Well, I probably should be here anyway so I can save the whole town, because when I left town things really went to shit." Like Maxine, who is now on her knees pulling on Hoyt's shirt, trying to get out of the Compton house so she can go be in orgies, heaping a thousand miles of bullshit on him and his personality and his manhood, just completely insensate to the slow burn Jessica's been working for the last however long. Hoyt tells her to be a freak, be mean, whatever, she's not going to go eat Sam at Merlotte's, and she relates that to Jessica being a "devil slut" in some way, and Jessica gets scary. "I'm getting real tired of this shit," she says, and Hoyt tells Maxine to be nice or he'll lock her in the cubby until Vampire Bill gets home. Then she punches him in what she calls his "penguin dick," which I don't even know, and calls Jessica a "vamper tramp," calls Hoyt and his father both "half men," making the two of them "a half-man and a dead whore," and how unlovable that makes both of them, and Jessica pops fang and very calmly says, "Look, lady. You have no idea how little control I have over my actions. You also do not know that I haven't eaten in days." Hoyt is put upon, because now they are both going crazy, but Maxine won't quit, so finally Jessica just zooms over and bites her. About ten hours past sainthood, but still awkward for the young couple.

The title song plays over a beautiful pool, or a moat, across which Bill swaggers in his black jacket, stepping over running water, stone to stone, on the Queen's beautiful estate. There's a greenhouse to the east, and four be-sunglassed Matrix agents in the courtyard. A man welcomes Bill into the house, which is covered in water: mosaics of waves, a coral arch, seashells. The queen is waiting for him, as she feeds; her meal's shapely ankle dangles, dripping blood. It's like coming home.

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True Blood




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