Okay, so Crystal has been "promised" to that face-beater Felton since she was four years old. "Is that even legal?" asks Jason, which duh, and she's like, "It's Hotshot, Jake." Jason asks more of the right questions: "Well, is it like a church or cult or something? Because I've done that, and they washed my brain." She says no, according to Calvin "God's just a drug, like meth or whiskey." Instead of asking her to further narrow it down, which would really be helpful because at this point it seems like you're just looking at like an inbreeding program, if there's not a religious component, and why would you have one of those -- Crystal Norris making for, at the least, a very poor Kwisatz Haderach -- but it's Jason. He's more interested in her jacked-up face.

So yes, it was Felton -- who from the looks of things was also very young when they were affianced, which makes the breeding thing seem even more likely than if he were old like they usually are -- who beat her up. But not because of Jason's visit per se, because she covered that up so sneakily: It was because after Jason left, she said she didn't want to marry him anymore. Cousins hate it when you say that, they will punch you every time. So Jason's like, A) That is great because it's not technically my fault, but mostly B) Thank goodness you're not getting married, although C) Bummer about your face getting even more crazy-looking than usual.

Jason gets all mesmerized by her once again -- she makes him feel like he's "home," he says wistfully -- and she gets all nervous about the keys again. He says he'll drive her wherever she wants to go, but he can't be without her. And, if he's not mistaken, she is close to admitting she feels the same way. Crystal doesn't disavow this exactly but does point out that the Hotshot people will come and kill him -- no one's getting out -- and he's like, "Let me tell you a little thing about Stackhouses and how we feel about armies of superpowered nutjobs/drug dealers making an assault on our houses: It does not bother us at all, no matter what you may say or think about that. And this is because we are -- proudly, eternally, without a second thought and without pause -- 100% bonkers."

Lafayette's house is also bonkers and also has a superpowered army coming for it apparently and just like the Stackhouses, Lala doesn't care. Of course, he's only being warned about the problem by his mom, so I guess he has an excuse. Jesus finally shows up and Lafayette takes all of his furniture out from blocking the door so shit can get awkward. When she sees him, Ruby Jean goes, "Jesus," and stalks off. Apparently a new nurse -- a "white bitch," if you were wondering -- left Ruby J unattended, and here she came.