True Blood

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: B
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Without Stadium Love

Anyway, Holly heard that the Chili's in Monroe has a vampire busboy: "He's real fast." Arlene likes her, and obliquely tells her that just because every other waitress at Merlotte's has died a grisly death there's no reason to think she will. Holly's like, A) The world's been around so long that no matter where you step somebody died there, and B) She's got two kids and there is a recession on. Arlene finds the first, Amy Burleyish point to be odd, but loves that they both have two kids. Holly looks at her all crazy and notes that she's pregnant with a secret third baby that nobody knows about. It's all witchy.

Arlene introduces her to Sam as he's running past -- "This is Holly, your new waitress. Don't sleep with her!" -- which is confusing and weird for him, but makes me wonder/hope that Arlene just now decided to hire her and is letting Sam know he has a new waitress. (Holly is, for her part, not having trouble with the concept of hooking up with him.) He runs into the back, scaring the piss out of a very shaken Tara, and finally does the smart thing nobody's done yet, which is put his arms around her without opening his mouth about it. She weeps.

Okay, so Crystal has been "promised" to that face-beater Felton since she was four years old. "Is that even legal?" asks Jason, which duh, and she's like, "It's Hotshot, Jake." Jason asks more of the right questions: "Well, is it like a church or cult or something? Because I've done that, and they washed my brain." She says no, according to Calvin "God's just a drug, like meth or whiskey." Instead of asking her to further narrow it down, which would really be helpful because at this point it seems like you're just looking at like an inbreeding program, if there's not a religious component, and why would you have one of those -- Crystal Norris making for, at the least, a very poor Kwisatz Haderach -- but it's Jason. He's more interested in her jacked-up face.

So yes, it was Felton -- who from the looks of things was also very young when they were affianced, which makes the breeding thing seem even more likely than if he were old like they usually are -- who beat her up. But not because of Jason's visit per se, because she covered that up so sneakily: It was because after Jason left, she said she didn't want to marry him anymore. Cousins hate it when you say that, they will punch you every time. So Jason's like, A) That is great because it's not technically my fault, but mostly B) Thank goodness you're not getting married, although C) Bummer about your face getting even more crazy-looking than usual.

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True Blood

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