Maryann's Sam-sacrifice goes awry after he turns into an owl and flies away, so she kills a bunny instead in and "starts" acting all insane and shit. Tara and Eggs wake up with zero memories of their frenzied orgy, just like everybody else in town and Eggs in his previous life as a Blair Witch castmember...
...Which is too bad because it was like the one time Tara has ever been happy in her entire life. Then Daphne gives Sam a ten minute exegesis on The Problem Of Evil In Christianity and/or Maryann (maenad, immortal consort of Dionysus, basically God, etc.) and then gets stabbed all to hell by a zombified Eggs. Meanwhile, Andy Bellefleur has convinced himself he's either surrounded by devil worshippers or trapped in Invasion Of The Body Snatchers, which nobody but Sam knows are both actually true...
...And in Dallas as well, since it turns out that the vampire traitor is not a vampire at all, it's Hugo. Which Isabel doesn't know yet, but considering she sees him as "a science project," probably won't be too broken up about it. Who is broken up is the heart of Steve Newlin, into a thousand million little pieces, once Hugo tells him Sookie's last name is Stackhouse, because now he believes Jason is an infiltrator as well. And he doesn't even know about Jason sleeping with Sarah, not that he'd care. So he sends Jason off to be murdered by Gabe, who gets the shit beat out of him and runs off to rape Sookie...
...While Sarah is chasing down Jason, having lost her fucking mind in the interim, and shoots him. Who -- considering the fact that they're assuming he's a vamp-friendly spy -- has basically made her both a whore and a rape victim, so as usual you can sort of see where she's coming from*, but seeing Jason shot is still not as upsetting as seeing Sookie at the hands of creepy Gabe, until...
*(Meanwhile Joe R's all, "It's the times I think Sarah Newlin is for real that I get really scared," to which I respond, Chuck Norris just called me to say the exact same thing, because Sarah Newlin only has two settings: FOR REAL and GIRL FOR FUCKING REAL. I wish she was on the Supreme Court, I really do.)
...The following (miles-long as per usual) list of people pitch in to once again save Sookie's ass: 1) Bellboy Barry, who gets her psychic 911 and tells 2) Bill, who is too busy having more jazz baby flashbacks and getting "the bleeds" (a symptom of staying up past the dawn) with the suddenly and frighteningly sympathetic Lorena, who tells him this is all thanks to 3) Eric trying to break them up, and who chats with Isabel about her human-vamp relationship and then later cries real/gross tears about 4) Godric, who actually saves Sookie from Gabe, and is even hotter than you could possibly have imagined...
...But not as much as Hoyt and Jessica planning to lose their virginity together, to strewn rose-petals and "Bleeding Love," which is so brilliant and moving and hilarious and sexy that we'll forgive Ball returning to the Sia well with "Day Too Soon." Either way, just because they're the most beautiful love story of our time, and possibly the two most attractive people in the universe, doesn't mean they're not going to... Die terribly or be otherwise forced to suffer as brutally as everybody else on the show constantly is.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Andy is still running through the woods like a crazy person, screaming after Daphne the Pig, and eventually falls on his face screaming "PIIIIIG!" Meanwhile, all the cultists are shouting Maryann's Greek chants and touching each other. Some of them have more clothes on, most of them don't, Daphne's loving it. Eggs has Sam face-down on a sacrificial stone not unlike the one from his Blair Witch moment, and Tara leans down, black-eyed. "Just give in," she groans, smiling widely: "It feels so good!" She licks bewildered Sam, and dances off back to Maryann, who's still wearing the scary bull mask. There are naked dudes' wangers just everywhere.
Andy walks in looking crazed and dirty, and he's horrified as usual, and Maryann's coming at Sam with her nasty claws, and when Andy fires his gun into the ground everything stops. Sam punches Eggs, getting free, and takes Daphne down, and peaces. They all start screaming, lit up with Maryann's rage. Just in pain, like children. That's what she's feeling. That's the smashcake thing again, Maryann denied -- any God denied -- causes ripples. They stomp their feet. Andy is amazed, looking at everybody he knows stripped naked and crying with rage and frustration; Maryann chases Sam through the forest -- "Here, Sam! C'mere, boy!" -- voice terrifying and hilarious and low.
Sam looks up and sees an owl, hooting like a guide, and drops his shirt. She watches him shift and climb into the sky, flapping wings, and she whips off the mask like a warrior. Her hands become claws as she picks up his shirt in her hands. She stares up, breathing hard.
We're now halfway through the season. All of this shit that's happened, and we're halfway through. Awesomely, this episode was written by Raelle Tucker, who's totally amazing, but also think about that: halfway. Other things of interest: I was reading up on Ariadne this week and was fascinated and frightened to learn that there are things I don't know. To wit: Ariadne is one of the great two-parters of Greek myth. We knew about Theseus and the Labyrinth: how the princess Ariadne spun out a ball of thread so that Theseus could come back out of the Labyrinth after he'd killed her brother, the Minotaur.
What I had no idea about was Ariadne Part II, which basically goes like this: They sail away to get married, and on the way Theseus -- for one of many several suggested reasons -- abandons her pregnant ass on the beach after a party. She wakes up alone, and curses him, and it's a whole thing. (Theseus's dad-king dies as a result, so it's not a total loss.) Meanwhile, Dionysus is riding a bummer because this chick wouldn't marry him, and Eros goes, "Have I got the piece of ass for you." So Dionysus goes to this island, and sees her sleeping, and falls for her -- there's this funny line in Nonnus's epic Dionysiaca where he describes Dionysus explains his admiration "cautiously" to "the dance-weaving Bacchantes," presumably so they wouldn't just pull her head off and fuck it or drink wine out of it or whatever -- and they get married. He makes her a goddess, and sets her marriage crown in the stars: Maryadne!
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