True Blood

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: B
YOU GRADE IT
Baby's Got The Bleeds

Andy is still running through the woods like a crazy person, screaming after Daphne the Pig, and eventually falls on his face screaming "PIIIIIG!" Meanwhile, all the cultists are shouting Maryann's Greek chants and touching each other. Some of them have more clothes on, most of them don't, Daphne's loving it. Eggs has Sam face-down on a sacrificial stone not unlike the one from his Blair Witch moment, and Tara leans down, black-eyed. "Just give in," she groans, smiling widely: "It feels so good!" She licks bewildered Sam, and dances off back to Maryann, who's still wearing the scary bull mask. There are naked dudes' wangers just everywhere.

Andy walks in looking crazed and dirty, and he's horrified as usual, and Maryann's coming at Sam with her nasty claws, and when Andy fires his gun into the ground everything stops. Sam punches Eggs, getting free, and takes Daphne down, and peaces. They all start screaming, lit up with Maryann's rage. Just in pain, like children. That's what she's feeling. That's the smashcake thing again, Maryann denied -- any God denied -- causes ripples. They stomp their feet. Andy is amazed, looking at everybody he knows stripped naked and crying with rage and frustration; Maryann chases Sam through the forest -- "Here, Sam! C'mere, boy!" -- voice terrifying and hilarious and low.

Sam looks up and sees an owl, hooting like a guide, and drops his shirt. She watches him shift and climb into the sky, flapping wings, and she whips off the mask like a warrior. Her hands become claws as she picks up his shirt in her hands. She stares up, breathing hard.

We're now halfway through the season. All of this shit that's happened, and we're halfway through. Awesomely, this episode was written by Raelle Tucker, who's totally amazing, but also think about that: halfway. Other things of interest: I was reading up on Ariadne this week and was fascinated and frightened to learn that there are things I don't know. To wit: Ariadne is one of the great two-parters of Greek myth. We knew about Theseus and the Labyrinth: how the princess Ariadne spun out a ball of thread so that Theseus could come back out of the Labyrinth after he'd killed her brother, the Minotaur.

What I had no idea about was Ariadne Part II, which basically goes like this: They sail away to get married, and on the way Theseus -- for one of many several suggested reasons -- abandons her pregnant ass on the beach after a party. She wakes up alone, and curses him, and it's a whole thing. (Theseus's dad-king dies as a result, so it's not a total loss.) Meanwhile, Dionysus is riding a bummer because this chick wouldn't marry him, and Eros goes, "Have I got the piece of ass for you." So Dionysus goes to this island, and sees her sleeping, and falls for her -- there's this funny line in Nonnus's epic Dionysiaca where he describes Dionysus explains his admiration "cautiously" to "the dance-weaving Bacchantes," presumably so they wouldn't just pull her head off and fuck it or drink wine out of it or whatever -- and they get married. He makes her a goddess, and sets her marriage crown in the stars: Maryadne!

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True Blood

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