Haha what a horrible episode! What an embarrassing hour of television to find oneself watching. What was your favorite part? I liked when the Porgy & Bess lady flew into outer space because of magic and feelings. That was probably the best part.
Sookie's gunshot wound goes away. Like immediately, during the credits somehow, she gets better. It is cheap and stupid and tells you exactly how dumb the episode is going to be. Alcide and Bill are crying and praying, she's bleeding out, the song plays, and then they're like, "Thank goodness you got better, Sookie." Then she has an annoying dream about a threesome with Bill and Eric, which, this shitty episode manages to make even that concept super boring somehow.
Also what went away is the Witch War. I guess everybody got bored, or their moms started yelling for them from the porch, but either way it just abruptly ends about five minutes into it. There don't seem to have been noticeable casualties, either, since we see most of the people later in the episode. What a dumb Witch War.
Ghost Mavis takes over Hoyt's/her old house and there's a gun standoff with Jason and Andy, Arlene and Terry, and all of them are annoying and trashy and hysterical and repetitive. Especially Arlene, of course. A few homophobic outbursts later, Jesus comes over and gives her some therapy or something, and they dig her dead baby up out of the ground and she sings to it, the dead baby I mean, and Lafayette glows and the ghost comes out of his head, and they all kiss and hug, and it's so fucking stupid.
Sam decides to take Luna and Emma camping, because he wasn't already being smarmy enough about them, so he decides to get cute and later on he turns into a literal fucking bunny rabbit. Then Luna and Sam fuck, finally, so I guess the message is that if you keep stalking somebody and act super creepy toward their kids, eventually you can have all the abnormally large nipple action you ever wanted.
Tommy, meanwhile, is summoned to a meeting with Packmaster Marcus in Sam's form which is like four werewolf heavies, plus Alcide. They kick his ass so hard that he turns back into Tommy, while Alcide acts like he's powerless to stop them beating him up, and finally stops them beating him up, and takes him home. Which, Alcide does not have a great history of dealing with people like Tommy, Debbie for example -- or Sookie! -- who are so broken they don't even know they are fucking you over.
Jason later helpfully brings Jessica a box of her stuff (helpfully labeled, "FOR YOU MONSTER") and then helpfully fucks her in his pickup truck while a radically inappropriate Taylor Swift song awkwardly plays. This all happens in broad gestural strokes, while for some reason the technical vagaries of Hoyt needing pants, he has no pants, where are the pants, for some reason they spend half the episode talking about this pants issue, on the way to getting Andy back on V. But tiny things like Jason and Jessica fucking, or why Sookie died and then undied during the credits, you can just fill in the blanks yourself on that stuff, loser.
Also back on V is Debbie Pelt, who is getting more and more confusing. She helps Sookie get into MoonGoddess -- where all the witches are now being held hostage by a power-mad Marnie -- but then tries to sell her out to Marnie, but it doesn't work? I don't know what's going on with Debbie. I think Debbie is also confused about what's going on with Debbie. Back at MoonGoddess, Marnie leaves the witches locked up inside with a spell on the doorknobs that burns your skin. So the witches run from doorknob to doorknob and burn their hands off just to make sure, because they are morons.
Eric is also being held hostage by Marnie, and it turns out that the plan is to set Eric, as well as the other Sheriffs, on Bill during the Tolerance Thing in Shreveport. There is much chaos at the end of the episode, and lots of running around and getting filmed by those gotcha webcast guys from before, and lots of Nan being amazing, and lots of Bill and Nan vaguely fighting about nothing in particular. We leave them variously camping, running around screaming while the vampire Sheriffs commit post-Russell Edgington murders, Sookie stomping all over the place, and Tommy bleeding in Alcide's arms.
Next week: Tommy dies, and then the credits, and then Alcide is like, "I'm so glad you got better, Tommy." And then Tommy has a threesome dream about Alcide and... I'm going to say Hoyt. That sounds pretty good, right?
So I guess how it went down is once Bill saved Tara from Pam in the middle of the Spooky Witch Fight, he ran off to Sookie's house. Meanwhile, Marnie was doing her magic on Eric, so she left with him in tow. And I guess they kept fighting for a second, and then realized that the idiots that got them into this fight were gone, and they decided to stop dying and head back to base. I guess that's how it happened, although I don't know that a regular fight would go that way. But nobody there was really interested in fighting, besides Marnie and -- symptomatically -- Eric.
First we catch up with Sookie and Alcide and what's going on there is that Bill is trying to get her to drink some blood while Alcide looks all huffy in the corner of her house. But she won't drink the blood! Because she is dead! And then those two boys get barfy.
Alcide: "Well? Ain't there anything else we can do?"
Bill: "We can pray."
Alcide: "Werewolf and a vampire? Who's gonna listen?"
Then they both stare into space and feel bad about Jesus or something? Personal drama, I guess, that we never even knew about. Neither of them has felt particularly bad about their lot specifically in this way before, and it's at odds with the show's general attempts at basing their abilities in science and the secular world, but whatever. For the purposes of this scene -- which, as we'll see, has nothing to do with the rest of the episode, much less the series as a whole -- they're both damned and depressed about it. How sad that they kept it hidden from us for so long. I guess that's what it is, to be a man. A vampire or a werewolf man.
All the witches bitch about how they were attacked by vampires, which isn't what happened, and then they yell at Marnie for bringing Eric home with them, so she explains through a demonstration that Eric is hers to command. That one dorky guy with the beard, of course, loves that. Not because he's an actual person or character, you understand, but because he's the cardboard face we can hang that particular response on -- "Witchcraft oui! Vampires non!" every single time anything happens.
Tara: "Hey, how come you ignored Bill trying to be cool to you? And got us killed?"
Marnie: "Let's do some more witch stuff!"
Holly: "No, seriously though. How come."
Marnie: "I said witch stuff!"
Holly & Tara: "Maybe this is a terrible idea and we should talk about it like good Wiccans. I'll go get the conch."
Marnie: "No! No thinking! I am locking everybody up inside this Emporium! Magically!"