Sookie: "Tara! Can we be friends again yet?"
Jason: "Oh, man! I totally forgot you died last week and got turned into a vampire and now you're a stripper. That whole thing just slipped my mind."
Tara: "Again, whatever."
Ghosts: "Faaaaangers! Raaaaaacism!"
Jason: "I know. Just wait until I'm like ten percent more crazy."
Eric: "So we just busted out of the Vampire Vatican after trying for about ten episodes in a row to escape, and we're wondering if..."
Nora: "Heeey there, Sookie..."
Eric: "-- Quit. So we're wondering if you'd like to come with us to go immediately back there."
Jason: "Will I be allowed to kill vampires?"
Eric: "Baby, you can kill 'em all."
Jason: "I'm in. Sook?"
Sookie: "Um, maybe. But why?"
Eric: "Right, sorry. They have Jessica, whom you love, and they have Pam, whom I love..."
(Tara: "-- Me too. The only thing more inevitable than the two gay characters on this no-longer-very-gay show getting together is the two bisexual chicks that wear leather. Pretend to be shocked by this shit later. Also, I'm going to passive-aggressively remind you several times that you owe Pam for bringing me back to life, for which I'm still acting like I resent you, even though I totally don't, basically because I like to hurt feelings.")
Eric: "Oh and PS, Bill has joined an apocalyptic death cult and might be bringing about the end of the world and I was thinking, if I show him you, maybe he'll turn back into a total pussy."
Sookie: "That does sound highly likely. Sold."
Bill: "[The longest, bitchiest, cuntiest speech about how the vampire guard people can't catch even a housefly, which asks us the question, Why the fuck would you pick to be a vampire guard and get pissed on all night by the sucky likes of sucky Bill Compton when you could be out in the world being a vampire, having sex forever and ever, until the end of time.]"
Salome: "Have you seen Chancellor Candyman? I need to murder him real quick."
Bill: "That's so weird! I was just murdering him earlier."
Salome: "Any particular reason? Because there's like three of us now in the entire Authority, and Barb is too lovely to kill."
Bill: "Lilith has been appearing to him and telling him to kill us both and become Vamper Jesus. So I said nuts to that, and killed him."
Salome: "Huh. She was saying the same thing to me and I forgot to mention it to anybody that she's been bugging me since last week, pretty much nonstop."
Bill: "Me too, and I also forgot to mention it. But it's no big deal, because she just said to tell you that you're super pretty. And also that you are Vamper Jesus."
Salome: "Thanks for passing along that message! You're a really good friend. Let's have lots of sex."
Bill: "I love having sex with you because of your amazing personality."