SHIFTERS

Luna: "Man, I just hate that you are a werepuppy and not a shifter kid, because we could totally just turn into rhinoceroses right now and bounce."
Emma: (Adorbz.)

Sam: "I'm back! Okay, Bill has lost his motherfucking mind, which explains why he tried to eat me for breakfast. So I'm gonna spend the rest of this episode flying around aimlessly while you figure out a plan."
Luna: "So pretty much just like every other episode with us?"
Sam: "Don't be scared, baby. I'm going to protect you. By doing nothing at all."
Luna: "So pretty much just like... Ah, fuck it. Good luck out there."

VAMP JAIL

Jessica: "So, long story short, Bill and Eric are religious fanatics. Like, you know my whole family? Like that. My Uncle Henrickson once actually broke off from a cult that was already a breakoff of a cult to start his own cult. This was in Salt Lake."
Pam: "Bill yes -- he's been looking for something to feel guilty about since he was born the first time -- but not Eric. He's being tricky somehow."
Jessica: "But nest behavior! I can see it in their eyes. Bill's talking about vampire apocalypse and making everybody read his Crazy People Bible..."
"You know how crazy feeds crazy? They want to conquer the world, and they're just crazy enough to do it. And it doesn't matter how many people get hurt or killed," she says. In case you were wondering when this shit was going to get so heavy-handed and simple-minded that it fell apart right in front of you:

Pam: "One of the worst things about being immortal is having to watch the same stupid scenario happen over and over. It's usually the humans though. Guess this proves we're just as fucking retarded as they are."