True Blood

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1958 USERS: B
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Huxley Smashcake's Ruinous Revenge

Kenya asks if it was an animal, and he says the back, yes, but the heart was carved out by a knife for sure. Bud asks if this then was the work of a "human/animal collaboration," which is exactly what it was, and at Kenya's protests says that he was making "what people with an actual sense of humor" call a joke. Andy comes blundering into the office just as Kenya's like, "Sorry, a black woman is paralyzed and then butchered to death in the town where I live? Not entirely funny," and then what is funny is Andy, some more, screaming about the Big-Ass Paul Bunyan Pig mentioned in her Tara report.

Bud reminds Andy he's not even supposed to be looking at the files, and Mike bounces for the gym, noting that he's spending time with his shirt off lately due to being inducted into a Dionysian orgiastic cult. "Didja get a good look at that pig?" Andy roars, and Kenya reminds him she didn't see the pig, because there was no pig, because Tara made that shit up. "Was it brown? Because I've seen that pig! In a dollhouse!"

(Pause for applause, laughter.)

Bud's like, "Bitch, you are drunk! Again!" and Andy protests but then admits he's only had a few, like anybody who drinks in the middle of the day, such as Bud Dearborn, who points out that he's not in recovery and thus answers to nobody, while Andy answers to a higher power plus Bud Dearborn, and before you know it Andy's screaming at Bud that he is a dumb old man who sucks, to Kenya's horror and Andy's subsequent token attempt at apology, so then Bud has to commandeer Andy's gun and badge, to which Andy responds with a tearful, childish, hilarious and oddly moving, "Oh, hell no! NO!" Before he gives it up.

Lafyette's lair is a pile of pills, Swishers and vodka, girl-interrupted by Tara banging on the door. "I know you're in there! Even if you won't pick up the phone!" Finally he unlocks the door with a mumbled damn hooker shit, nursing his gunshot leg all the while -- it's still just this morning -- and immediately returns to the couch so that hysterical Tara can harangue him about all of it. "How come I have to hear about you being back from Sookie?" Highlights including: "That you got shot! And fed on! And chained up! In some vampire dungeon!" Lafayette suggests that both Sookie and Tara, now, should keep this schtum, and notes that he is not interested in going to the hospital, where young black men with gunshot wounds tend to invoke the police up in one's business.

True Blood

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