Sookie arrives in Dallas -- with Bill and Jessica in travel coffins -- ten tiny bottles of airline beverages to the wind. The limo driver proves to be more than he seems, and before long Bill and Jessica have him glamoured out the wazoo and explaining that the Fellowship of the Sun contracted him to abduct Sookie and take her to the church. They also mentioned Godric, linking the Newlins to his disappearance as well.
After stopping off at Lafayette's and offering him some blood -- and the vamp GPS that comes with it -- Eric joins the Dallas crew in their vamp hotel for some more of Bill's whining. Meanwhile, Sookie tries to watch some vampire porn (Intercourse With The Vampire!) but is distracted first by Jessica's made-to-order hot human room service, and then by Barry the Bellhop, who brings it: human, and a mindreader just like Sookie.
Meanwhile, Jason finds all his church camp buddies slaughtered. Or so he thinks for a moment, having fallen prey to an elaborate practical joke invented by Luke to set off his PTSD. Far from causing him to go that kind of crazy, it sends him off on a Patton-esque speech about who knows what, which combined with a hilarious target-practice session (alongside rampantly salivating Steve Newlin) sends him even further to the top of their charts, and before you know it they've A) given him a room in their mansion and B) inducted him into the secret terrorist cell of their cult.
Back in Bon Temps, it's Tara's birthday and she's all alone in the house she now shares with Sookie, watching a special on the bulls at Pamplona. This lasts for about five seconds before Maryann shows up with her whole crew and throws a big party. Because Tara doesn't have any friends, she's a little confused by that, but before you know it everybody is dancing all slow-motion and you realize it's orgy time.
This orgy goes a bit further than previous orgies -- including as it does dirt-eating, cake-diving, scary sex, a little violence and Terry/Arlene and Tara/Eggs finally hooking up -- but what really sets it off are the giant minotaur claws Maryann ends up sporting. On the other hand, Daphne's revelation that her crush on Sam is unperturbed by his furry little secret couldn't have come at a better time.
Jason comes back from dinner with the Newlins pretty proud of himself, but the bunkers are dark and scary on the Light Of Day: windchimes, scary music, a dripping faucet, the whole deal. The door is hanging ajar and like, I don't know, the whistle of witches overhead and a whole family of wolves singing "Don't Fear The Reaper" in three-part harmony. Shit is dire.
But inside, oh! It is worse still! For all his brother-friends in Jesus have been slaughtered and are lying on the floor, covered in tomato-red blood! It flows from sucked-on wrists and slit-up throats! It drips from casually thrown-wide arms! It is an orgy of blood! He stares around having PTSD for a second and then somebody in a hoodie jumps him from behind and tosses him lovingly to the ground. Is it the Fangbanger Strangler back from the Bon Temps dead? It dresses like him. Or maybe it is the Unabomber! Or a vampire!
"I can smell that hot blood just under your skin," the apparently turned-on demon whispers into his ear. "Cowboy! You smell awesome!" Jason whines and wriggles beneath his bulky vampire frame, squealing, "Fuck you!" The monster laughs seductively, but not appropriately: "That can be arranged. But I'm gonna kill you first!"
The monsters bites slowly into Jason's neck -- Softly! Delectably! -- as Jason Stackhouse's QB-1 frame continues its mute undulation... But then the lights come on! And it is not a vampire's boner against his Grade A Louisiana Beef at all! It is LUKE'S BONER! All in fun. Sometimes you get a yen to play Mass Slaughter, you just go ahead and do it.
The Light of Dayers are covered in ketchup, laughing, and Jason's like, "Heck yeah I was scared! Vampires are scary!" Luke asks how his split lip is doing, while they all stand up and act goofy. His lip is bleeding, thank you, so he asks, "How's your nose?" And then punches Luke in it. Then he takes off his clip-on tie, which in addition to being adorable in its own right also signals a change into Jason Stackhouse, Orator and Flimflam Buyer.
"Vampires are not a joke!" He commands their attention regally from the start, busting somebody's Heinz bottle right out of his hands like a barely literate George S. Patton, staring at them each individually. Into their souls! "There's a war going on," he says, manfully pushing a man to the bed. "And you're either on the dark side! Or you're on the side of the light! And there ain't no in-between!" He is like a preacher! A preacher of hate! He points down at Luke, who still rolls about on the floor clutching at his nose and his harder-to-reach manhood. "I thik you broke by dose!" he shouts, but does Jason care? He does not. He tastes only a determination, a belief, reignited by this tawdry display as though the hounds of hell were at his back, waiting to be struck DOWN by awesome Jesus power. Also his own blood. Jason tastes his blood.
On Bill's red velvet couch where so much has already happened, both sad and joyful, both fickle and fated, a very sad thing comes to pass: Hoyt, buckling up his pants. He apologizes profusely, such is his love for Vampire Bill, but the doleful fire in Bill's eyes will not be so easily doused as the flames of passion roaring only seconds before! Bill throws him out once, twice, three times! But he moves too slow. Sookie throws him his shirt as he swears he wouldn't have let it go further, and begs everybody to chill. But to this "chill" our Mr. Compton will always remain a lukewarm acquaintance at best! He offers to show Hoyt out through a window! That is already closed!
"Bill, that is just rude," Sookie says, embarrassed for everybody, and Hoyt's little heart is breaking, and Jessica's like, "I LIVE HERE TOO!" and Bill says, somewhat more softly, that it's not Jessica he is protecting. Hoyt looks at her, undone, and crosses to the door as Jessica whimpers, embarrassed, with her fangs still out. His mood is regretful, with a tinge of blue balls. Which for a fangbanger, even a fetal one like our Hoyt, is no laughing matter. He could have had his first fangbang, his first intercourse with a vampire, but he doesn't mind. "I don't believe him for a minute," Hoyt says softly, sweetly, and she smiles to herself as Bill closes the door.
"We established there was to be no hunting in this house!" Bill screams, and instead of pointing mutely at Sookie, she just informs Bill of WTF is actually going on, which somebody always has to do and for which she has already demonstrated a serious competence and interest. "Look, I know you feel like shit because you had to make me. And you should feel like shit. But guess what? I'd never even kissed a boy before that." Sookie, until recently herself a young dowager, is touched. "Meeting Hoyt's the only good thing that's happened to me since my whole 'new life' started." Bill is chastened to the degree that Bill can be chastened. "Now, I'm not ready for anything to happen too fast. I'd have been happy just to go on kissing him all night long!" Now Bill is openly touched, because now you are speaking his language. The language of love!
"Is it my fault my fangs come out when I get turned on?" Bill is literally struck still, in a sort of horror, by this statement. If he were not already dead one might say he gains a pallor. Jessica slams her hand over her mouth, giggles madly, and dashes upstairs. Sookie follows a few steps and then sits down instead, to bend to the task and consider how best to make this about her.
"I think I'm going to like her." Bill doesn't like the sound of that, nohow, and reminds her that she is not allowed to befriend her daughter, at the risk of the like one half of a nut he still has: "Yeah, I get it. She is vampyre." But also, duh, I already know that and I got paralyzed on the way back from finding that out, so chill. And even more importantly, it would be great if you would bond with Jessica and thus get over your self-hatred, because hating vampires is no less grody when you are one. (Not to mention, again, that putting that shit on Jessica is the best way to fuck her up, vide her entire situation when she was alive.) He doesn't get it. "Hating yourself? Is a bad thing?"
Vampire Bill actually smiles, and becomes adorable and almost sexy for like one second: "I am vampyre! I am supposed to be tormented!" Sookie smiles back, and reminds him that neither he nor Jessica necessarily needs to be either tormentor nor "just a vampire." And then again he shows a sense of humor talking about how great he is at walking the line between vampire and human, with a quirk in his mouth. "Okay, so you can teach each other," Sookie says. His eyes go sad, in addition to music which is also sad, because oh my God the many torments of Bill Compton.
And oh my God the way the gay/vampire metaphor jumps up in some strange places. "It's so different for her. When I was made, one had no choice but to live completely outside the human world, as an outlaw. A hunter. Humans were prey and nothing else." (And now Jessica can get married! In certain states, for the moment! And she doesn't have to watch Steven Weber pretend to be a vampire in thirty different goddamn patronizing movies about Hep V! Or pretend to like Liza Minnelli!) "I envy her," says an entire generation of handlebar-mustachioed vampires, and Sookie nods.
"I'll need to call the airline to arrange for two travel coffins instead of just one..." Having gotten her way, Sookie lays on the sweetness. "Isn't it exciting? Our first trip together!" But Bill sulks, because it is sullied by the taint of Eric Northman and putting Sookie in danger and whatever. "Come on, Bill! I was almost killed last night. Again!" Sookie is the funniest in this episode than I think she has ever been, it's awesome. "At least give me this." He puts his arm around her and pretends to be happy and kisses her forehead, and they cuddle, and I love them so much more now that they're not pretending to be anything other than the dorkiest dorks that ever fang-dorked.
...With the possible exception of Da