True Blood

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
Huxley Smashcake's Ruinous Revenge
m about, lofting over the city in a cape. I am merely a Sheriff, Bill, and a fine one, and yet Godric, he is sheriffer. "Okay, but if he's so awesome how did those hillbillies get him?"

"THAT IS WHAT WORRIES ME!" Eric screams, unbelievably sincerely. Well, murmurs seductively in a somewhat urgent fashion, which amounts to the same thing for him. "If One Such As He can be taken by humans, then none of us is safe!" Um, then get me the fuck out of here, and Sookie as well. "What can I give you to release Sookie from her agreement?" Nada. But, Eric says, "Since you like humans so much, I think you would want to protect them. The vampires here, they're like cowboys. If they don't get Godric back, they'll want justice. They'll start attacking people." You want to play Mass Slaughter, go ahead and do it. Vampire vs. Human. Texas is a chessboard. "That's insane!" Bill yells, and Eric leans back. "Well. It's Texas."

Hell yeah it is. Meanwhile... Oh! I didn't tell you! I came to Dallas on Friday to visit friends. I'm thinking of turning it into a whole Pilgrimage of Sookie thing. Next week maybe I will get kidnapped by a cult, or go back home and find out all my friends are in another cult. That's going to be awesome. I will go and flourish, and never say no to myself. I will tell you how that goes!

Meanwhile, Sam and Daphne are feeding each other cake in a sensuous fashion. I recently learned of the name of a thing I knew about, but didn't know the name of, which is how you get two cakes on your kid's first birthday, one of which is for the real party -- which the kid is barely invited to, because guess what, one-year-olds aren't that interesting at parties -- and the other one, just as nice, is for the one-year-old to do with as she wishes. And the name of that little ritual is even more awesome than the ritual itself: SMASHCAKE! I mention this only because of the Tara/rib-bib puppy magic thing, the way total indulgence and total infantilizing can go hand in hand if you do it wrong, and because of Huxley, and of course because of... Well, you'll see.

Finally, Sam and Daphne kiss after all kinds of wedding cake gets fed back and forth. Figures it would take a literal act of God to make Sam deal with the hot chick in front of him. I mean, Tara had to literally say, "What we are going to do now is fuck." But Daphne has no way of knowing that, and besides, she's under the spell too. "[This is] a great idea! You're sweet as hell, and adorable, and scruffy with that little grey in your hair, and that hot little nose, and damn, boy do you know how to wear a pair of pants." All true, every second. Girl knows what she's talking about. She also knows how to wear a sundress with cowboy boots without looking like a retarded whore, so they have that in common too: the ability to wear clothing.

The kissing goes from flirty to romantic/cute to hardcore, and he finally breaks away all, "Listen, I need to tell you something." She assures him multiple times that he doesn't, looking into his eyes and then whispering in his ear, "I know what you are." She leads him off into the party with more seductive whatnot, and I can't tell but it seems like maybe she doesn't have her scars right now, but I can't say for sure. Any takers? I think it would be optimal if she were a weresomething, because of Sam's jumpy tirade against them last year. On this show, if you say something racist that's automatically the next person you fuck. It's like a rule. And any case I really don't think she's one of Maryann's, the whole Daphne/Daphnis thing notwithstanding, but I'm anxious to find out.

Then there is: Dancing on the lawn, Eggs and Tara fucking in slow motion and moaning, Maryann vibrating a short distance away, Mike Spencer naked with some lady who is not Jane Bodehouse, Terry and Arlene dancing the Forbidden Dance, more fucking, more vibrating, Andy Bellefleur screaming like a beast and shoving wedding cake in his face, that lady on the stairs I thought was Jane doing the same, Mike spreading the suddenly fish/loaves amount of wedding cake on the huge breasts of the lady and eating it, food fighting, cake in the face, Tara climbing on top of Eggs, weird moaning, a guy drinking wine all insanely with the black eyes, everybody with black eyes, Terry and Arlene getting trippy on the ground with black eyes and touching each other's hands, cake boob lady moaning while Mike motorboats the cake, vibrating, dancing that is essentially fucking, a guy punches a guy dancing with a lady that might be one of the many blonde hos we've met at Merlotte's, said lady laughing wildly, fucking like Marlin Perkins is watching, and then blonde lady goes apeshit into total ecstasy territory, rolling around and growling and shoving dirt in her mouth, tossing her head around, and off in the forest Maryann scrabbles in the dirt and eventually pulls her hands free, up into the moonlight, and they are the claws of a wild beast, while we moan, triumphant. Hope somebody brought like a billion condoms.

Bored, Sookie checks out the Pay Per View, and she's alone so she doesn't even pretend to look at anything else, just goes straight to the porn with a fascinated smile and very fake, mesmerized eew. Because bravo, True Blood: You got His First Fangbang, which think about that for a second, and the guy's got a rose between his teeth to boot, and you got the more hetero Co-Ed Chowdown, which like cheerleaders and whatnot, and you got the jewel in the crown: Intercourse With The Vampire: The Sexual History Of Vampires. I am not a vampire nor do I wish to be one, but that is so much better than real porn. Especially in a hotel, my God.

There's a knock at the door, and Sookie -- Sookie Stackhouse, I mean, the Mad Masturbating Porch Bandit Of Bon Temps -- adorably shuts the TV off so nobody will know she's heard of porn, and meets Jessica at the door. "I ordered something. Is that okay?" Barry the Bellhop smiles professionally: "Male, straight, B-?" A shoulder-length blonde hottie walks through the door essentially naked and beefy, smiling at Sookie: "Hi, I'm Travis." Sookie's all WTF but Jessica grabs him and leads him away by the hand. YES!

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11Next

True Blood

Comments

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP