True Blood

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
Huxley Smashcake's Ruinous Revenge
balance for both -- and it leads to a lot of bullshit filler and/or repetitive stuff.

And on the fan side, you have two completely separate discussions: the week-to-weekers, like us, and the DVD people next year, right before the next season; it's the same in comics. In TV, it's easier in some ways to balance, since there's no purchase outlay to watch each individual episode which means even disgruntled viewers aren't risking anything by watching, while comics people might just drop the book and wait for the trade so they don't pay twice, but it's the same basic principle. So you get on paper, "in these six episodes Jason will fuck a lady and feel weird about vampires, because that's his arc for this part," which is fine on paper but means six. weeks. of. fucking for people watching in realtime. Which turns them off of Jason, which sucks because I don't know if you're aware, but to me Jason is the bomb.

My favorite one of those is Buffy's classic magicks junkie plot, which lasted all of two episodes, but they happened to be stretched over the winter break so it seemed like the person was in this ridiculous repetitive drug spiral that lasted two months because, subjectively in realtime, IRL time, it did -- but in showtime it was all over before the sun came up. Same deal with Sookie's bullshit, which in actual showtime makes sense because each season takes only two fun-filled weeks, and not four months like it does for us to watch it, so instead it seems like she's been fuckin' crying about Gran for exactly 280 days... Which is also true. This show particularly is rife with those. "My God, Lafayette stop whining! It's been two weeks!" Actually no, it's been literally ten minutes since I laid down on this couch, give me a sec.)

So anyway, sorry, it's hard to think about the business and stuff when everything is so intense all the time, but I take enormous pleasure-slash-comfort in thinking about that stuff when the magicks have got me down, and Tara finally lets Sookie go uncomforted for five seconds to ask why, of all places, did Sookie choose Dallas for her romantic getaway? They laugh, and Sookie says brightly as ever, "Bill has some business there." Tara thinks about this for a second, suspicious, and then nods angrily. "Hell. Do those vampires wanna use your mindreading again?" Sookie points out that Bill will protect her, which as a response is such weak sauce even she seems a little offended.

Tara wonders why Sookie's even with Bill, if he keeps pulling her into his vampire shit, but before Sookie can explain that, since it's her deal with Eric this is actually her vampire shit, she goes, "The sex can't be that good." As though giving Sookie another chance to be awesome is her life's work. And Sookie immediately goes, "Oh, it's pretty good." And then -- after just enough of a pause that it's plausibly not an afterthought, but delicious nonetheless -- "And I love him." Anna Paquin is a gifted motherfucker, that's awesome. Tara starts to say something, but Sookie decides to deliver a short speech, entitled What I Keep Telling Myself, Which Also Happens To Be True, And Which Also Applies To Your Situation, About Which I Have Not And Will Never Ask: "You can't just sit around saving your heart for some perfect idea of a man who's never gonna come along." Tara's like, "You're right! That does apply to my situation, not that you would or will ever ask!"

"Life is too damn short. Besides, Bill's not making me do anything. I agreed to this to save your fool cousin, thank you very much!" Tara melts into hysterics, because WTF is going on with Lafayette now, and she didn't even know he'd reappeared after his unceremonious disappearance three weeks ago, and Sookie feels dumb, but then dishes the dirt because they are sisters not only w/r/t Adele, but also Lafayette.

Coroner and swinger-of-late Mike Spencer, who I decided the other day looked pretty hot in Trekkies 2, stands over Miss Jeanette's body and notes that there have been panther sightings in Nakatosh, to which Bud -- apparently a felinetologist on top of everything else -- responds that the paralyzing gashes in her back are two wide for panther scratches. Another thing we'll miss until the DVD, then, is the self-conscious way this scene mirrors and responds to the vampire/dwarf scene at Fangtasia! where the same questions and answers came out in whole other ways over Sookie's body. E.G., "I can tell you this: There's some nasty poison in that wound," says Mike: "My guess is it paralyzed her. And she was alive when they took the heart, and that's what killed her."

Kenya asks if it was an animal, and he says the back, yes, but the heart was carved out by a knife for sure. Bud asks if this then was the work of a "human/animal collaboration," which is exactly what it was, and at Kenya's protests says that he was making "what people with an actual sense of humor" call a joke. Andy comes blundering into the office just as Kenya's like, "Sorry, a black woman is paralyzed and then butchered to death in the town where I live? Not entirely funny," and then what is funny is Andy, some more, screaming about the Big-Ass Paul Bunyan Pig mentioned in her Tara report.

Bud reminds Andy he's not even supposed to be looking at the files, and Mike bounces for the gym, noting that he's spending time with his shirt off lately due to being inducted into a Dionysian orgiastic cult. "Didja get a good look at that pig?" Andy roars, and Kenya reminds him she didn't see the pig, because there was no pig, because Tara made that shit up. "Was it brown? Because I've seen that pig! In a dollhouse!"

(Pause for applause, laughter.)

Bud's like, "Bitch, you are drunk! Again!" and Andy protests but then admits he's only had a few, like anybody who drinks in the middle of the day, such as Bud Dearborn, who points out that he's not in recovery and thus answers to nobody, while Andy answers to a higher power plus Bud Dearborn, and before you know it Andy's screaming at Bud that he is a dumb old man who sucks, to Kenya's horror and Andy's subsequent token attempt at apology, so then Bud has to commandeer Andy's gun and badge, to which Andy responds with a tearful, childish, hilarious and oddly moving, "Oh, hell no! NO!" Before he gives it up.

Lafyette's lair is a pile of pills, Swishers and vodka, girl-interrupted by Tara banging on the door. "I know you're in there! Even if you won't pick up the phone!" Finally he unlocks the door with a mumbled damn hooker shit, nursing his gunshot leg all the while -- it's still just this morning -- and immediately returns to the couch so that hysterical Tara can harangue him about all of it. "How come I have to hear about you being back from Sookie?" Highlights including: "That you got shot! And fed on! And chained up! In some vampire dungeon!" Lafayette suggests that both Sookie and Tara, now, should keep this schtum, and notes that he is not interested in going to the hospital, where young black men with gunshot wounds tend to invoke the police up in one's business.

"You need to see a doctor," Tara says, and he reminds her that they can't even get him the drugs he already has, and that Uncle Cyrus has already been called into surgery. She lies down next to him, aching for company, and promises to take care of him, which sets off every PTSD and depression alert bell he's got. "Hooker, look. I'm not in the partying mood right now, okay?" She says she just wants to watch TV, lonely after all that time chez Maryann, and worried about him besides. "Bitch, look. You know I love you, all right? But I just spent two and a half weeks thinking I'm gonna die at any second. I ain't got it in me to take care of you tonight. All right?" He's only half honest here; the other half is shame and shock. She nods and goes to the door. "If you die, I'm

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True Blood

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