True Blood
Soul Of Fire

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: B-
YOU GRADE IT
Dead Queenie Dead

Eric: "Pam, goddammit."
Pam: "I fail to see how I'm the bad guy here. Suicide?"

To their credit, everybody except the boys seems to understand why that was stupid and made no sense. Which doesn't solve the problem of it happening in the first place. Then Jessica spots Jason on the ground, where he got blown up by the bazooka. She gives him some blood so they can fall even more in love. Also because his eyeballs got melted.

ELSEWHERE

The fairy's name is Maurella, and she would like some of Andy's policeman semen. First, he has to make some swears on her glowing ET finger -- "Will you protect me? Do you swear to the Light? It is sworn!" -- and then they do it.

Meanwhile, Marcus and Sam fight and fight, and then Sam does the like, "I'm not going to kill you, because you get to live as a pathetic person" thing, and but then Marcus grabs the gun and tries to kill him, so Alcide wrestles him to the ground and he ends up I guess shooting himself? Anyway, Marcus is dead.

So then Alcide stares at Debbie, who has not one leg to stand on here, and does werewolf magic at her: "Debbie Pelt, I abjure you. I see you no longer. I'll hunt with you no longer. I'll share flesh with you no longer." Then she turns invisible to his drama queen ass, and the very last of her marbles goes skittering across the floor, and she's out of there.

MOONGODDESS

Marnie does a spell in the blood of the girl she killed to scry the future, which is that they are going to shoot her in the motherfucking head. She does not share this information with the coven, exactly, just says that they're all going to get murdered if they don't do more spells right now. Which is not what she saw at all, but we've known for a while that Marnie isn't so much a liar as she is dishonest with herself. So you can see how she would twist that one around and then try to get everybody on board to validate her new interpretation of events. This is one of the worst qualities in people and we all do it.

So while Marnie's doing a spell that you've got to see what it is, because it is the funniest and stupidest thing you've ever seen, Jesus and Lafayette are doing their corpse magic in the bathroom. I sure hope that one of those spells saves the main characters of this TV show from the other one!

The vampires all start windmilling their arms around and staggering toward the barrier like I don't even know what to compare it to. The dorkiest thing you ever saw. It's so fucked up that it becomes kind of amazing and they're all like, "Whoooa, whoa!" and flailing their arms around, and Jason's like, "Y'all stop zombie-walking toward that barrier!" But they won't, they won't stop.

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True Blood

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