Bill: "Dear Lady Antonia. Sorry you got raped and tortured and your face got burnt off, I can tell you're taking that really poorly."
Antonia: "Thanks for saying that, dude."
Bill: "I wish that you would chill, though."
Antonia: "Okay but this isn't actually about me, I was just hanging out being dead before your thug Eric came and dicked our girls around."
Bill: "Yeah, okay, that was also shitty."
Antonia: "I mean you guys literally bit Marnie. The most pathetic person who ever lived."
Bill: "I know, I know. God, I'm sorry okay? I don't know what else to say."
Antonia: "You better think fast, then."
Bill: "I can't really give you all the deets over the phone, but I'm a member of a fifth-column Monarchy, working against the Authority, who were behind the Great Revelation, which was intended to keep us from pulling shit like we did on you back in the day. Transparency."
Antonia: "I was thinking more like flagrant shameless lust but okay, go on."
Bill: "So even though nothing I've done as King supports this claim, I just want you to know that we care a lot and the Monarchy and AVL are actually on your side and agree that vampires are often a bunch of bullshit."
Antonia: "So what you're saying is that the very vampires who have been accumulating power over centuries are also the ones that aren't interested in exploiting their power?"
Bill: "I know how it sounds. You'd have to see my wounded eyes and self-loathing for yourself to really buy this bullshit I'm selling. Let's meet up."
Antonia: "Cool. I'm going to bring an entire army and not tell you."
Bill: "I'm going to do the same thing, awesome."
Antonia: "How about that cemetery by your house, at midnight?"
Bill: "I was thinking like a convention center or something, but okay."
Antonia: "Yeah, I'm kind of a drama queen."
Bill: "Yeah, I think we're going to get along just fine."
Andy: "Please stop taking pictures of your dead neighbor's goo while I'm thinking about eating it. This is an official crime scene, ma'am."
Maxine: "Don't you ma'am me, Andy Bellefleur. I taught you in vacation Bible school. Actin' like you don't even know who I am..."
Meanwhile, Tommy steals a bunch of makeup, turquoise jewelry, and a muumuu. Awesomely, he takes one pair of shoes and then totally puts it back for another pair, because if you're going to dress up like an old lady the last thing you want is some mean drag queen making fun of your choices.