True Blood

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 7 USERS: B+
A Rookie In Sex Narnia

Reporter: "Vampire Bill, did you know Beulah Carter was a vampire?"
Bill: "Because all of us vampires know each other?"
Reporter: "Yeah? I mean, that's a dumb parallel to draw in about eight ways? Anyway, do lots of vampires commit suicide?"
Bill: "Many vampires feel alone and confused, programmed to despise themselves by all the hateful and incendiary* anti-vampire rhetoric in the media."

The Reporter lady likes that, so Bill goes the full way and glamours her so he can use her segment to deliver a public relations campaign about vampire self-esteem. Jesus God, can you imagine what Glee must be like in the TB universe?

Kurt: "Rachel, do you think that new vampire boy is gay or bisexual? I sure hope not, that way I can super creep him out when I go for it anyway. Then we can talk about how homophobic it is for him to be creeped out just because I am a creeper."
Rachel: "I don't know, let's fuckin' sing a song about it."
Everybody: Takes a bunch of Ritalin and dances around and nothing makes any sense and then you cry.


Meanwhile, Eric and Sookie are having some kind of fairy-viking magic blood connection that is just the stupidest thing. Like first they're in the shower and you get ready for some yahoo palace action and then suddenly it's snowing, but it's sunny, and they are so much in love, and the shower turns into this like Sex Narnia with shit like:

1: "Your blood is amazing."
2: "So is yours! And it's snowing!"


1: "Why is there a bed here?"
2: "Can we make love in it?"

I mean, if you didn't know this was an Alan Ball script, that's how you know. He thinks this show is funnier than all the other writers and the actors and everybody else put together: Sookie and Eric are dorks, let me show you. This is going to be hilarious.


Bill: "Vampires commit suicide for all kinds of reasons, but mostly it's because y'all have been so mean to us ever since Russell Edgington pulled out that dude's heart on TV and declared war on humanity. You guys took that really poorly."
Glamoured Reporter: "We-took-that-really-poorly."
Bill: "Now, let's talk about Jesus."


Like many of those from the world of that theatre we call The Theatre, Fiona Shaw is in the habit of saying fascinating things pretty much whenever she feels like it. So here:

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True Blood




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