True Blood

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 5 USERS: B+
YOU GRADE IT
Say Hello To The Rest Of Us

Credits: Swamp, scary trees, scary houses, scary church, scary church people, Selma, a rattlesnake, little kids eating raw meat with blood all over their faces, naked ladies in their underwear, road kill, KKK kiddies, a church-type sign reading GOD HATES FANGS, heh. Sexy girls dancing with sexy boys, sexy boys with sexy boys, a fox rotting, random bodies in random combinations, people praying like lunatics, nature being totally amazing, a barfight, the rapture of God, strippers, baptism at night. Yeah, that about covers it. "When you walked in, the air went out... I wanna do bad things to you." As much as I love the song and opening intro, which accomplishes what it sets out to accomplish if nothing else, I have to say my favorite part about all this is never having to see Brad and Kelly again. We live in hope.

Sookie Stackhouse is beautiful and tiny and blonde and psychic and looks much like a grownup. She takes a tray out to the tables at Merlotte's, a bar somewhere near a road but not really a city. Back in the kitchen, Lafayette's at the grill flirting with Big John, who flirts right back. She can't hear them; she's too busy trying not to listen to everybody else thinking. One large guy sits sadly at a table in the center of the place, guilty and staring down at the table. Just let me have just one beer tonight, Jesus. One beer, that's all I need. And if you just give me the strength to say no to beer number two, then I swear... Sookie puts down his first beer of the night and just keeps walking. Much as I would, were I Jesus and somebody said shit to me.

Scary fat lady shovels French fries into her face (1) and thinks about killing her man (2) if he disapproves (3) of her self-medicating with French fries (4), especially after what she did for him (5) last night in the bedroom, which by the way was disgusting (6), although she kinda liked it (7). Problems with scary fat lady, from where I'm standing: Seven. I count seven. Sookie's feet barely touch the floor, she's in such a hurry to get past this table full of, coincidentally, all the very things that make me want to protect the institution of marriage with everything I've got.

Gay kid staring at his parents: Who are these people? And what the hell is this music? I feel like I'm trapped in some hillbilly's OxyContin nightmare. I cannot wait to get the hell out of this podunk town. Sookie loses composure with this little space dog transmission from the Flying Dutchman and nods at him sharply: "Make sure you do, and before it's too late, because every year you wait, you just get more and more stuck here. Believe me, I know." Gay kid predictably freaks and wonders if she can hear his thoughts -- just in case we were confused -- and she fidgets and runs off to get them ketchup. The voices close in, and finally get so loud that she must stop, in the middle of the floor, and breathe, quiet them, and continue on. If Sookie Stackhouse doesn't do at least three very dramatic/off-kilter things in the middle of Merlotte's each episode, how will people remember to think she's retarded?

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True Blood

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