Lafayette and Sookie spend all day traveling around town cleaning up messes. Literal messes. Like, how Sookie blew Debbie Pelt's face all over her kitchen, or how Tara's brain is all over the place, or how Lafayette stabbed his boyfriend to death roughly ten minutes before all that happened. Pam shows up out of nowhere to be bitchy about Eric, and Sookie makes a deal with her to turn Tara into a vampire. So that's Sookie's day. Mopping, sitting by a gravesite all night, and eventually being attacked by her newly vampire best friend, who would seem to have come back a good bit more feral than most.
I don't know how to feel about that. I don't know what it says that the most intelligent, verbal character on the entire show has come back from the dead fucktarded. My fear is that it's emblematic of the show in general, which would also seem to have come back from hiatus a good deal more fucktarded than even in previous years. I know what it's like when I overstay my welcome with a show, and hang onto it out of habit, so I want to give you plenty of warning about the facts, which are that maybe this show sucks now? Or I am just in a shitty mood, and let what just happened to be a remarkably crummy script ruin the whole experience.
Like oh boy are you going to hate this girl Nora, who is Godric's Progeny and thus Eric's vampire sister -- although they also fuck, and while they're fucking they call each other brother and sister, it's all quite droll -- and I think she was invented to get on your nerves. Like scientists in a lab could not have designed a more off-putting person. Zooey Deschanel working in an ire-magnet store could attract less ire.
But the most fucktarded move is the hateful, retrograde, homophobic bullshit surrounding Jason Stackhouse and Reverend Newlin, because this show -- the show that brought you Lafayette, Eddie and Jesus, the show that pretty much set the bar for the decade, once -- has decided to play Newlin (a gay vampire in hiding from his own congregation, and apparently with a secret agenda we'll learn about later) as this obsessive faggy pansy. I mean, McMillian is a great actor so it's a treat to watch, for what it is, but the storyline is about making fun of a gay dude, and being grossed out that he has feelings for Jason, and getting your heteronormative jollies, and it's gross.
Anyway, what actually happened? I don't know. It felt like it was about thousand years long. Bill and Eric, having been dumped by Sookie, are arrested by the Authority for killing Nan Flanagan, but Horrible Nora gets them out of that jam, and they are going on the lam, when they are once again arrested, this time with Horrible Nora also along, and I guess that's going to be their storyline this year. While Jessica's back home holding down the castle for King Bill and dicking Jason around.
Alcide's the only person that seems to care that Russell Edgington has escaped his concrete prison and is presumably making his way to Sookie's sweet fairy blood as we speak. Included among people who do not give a shit about that would be Sookie, because God forbid she ever do a single thing right. She's just too busy mopping and making Tara's decisions for her as usual.
Oh, and Sam decides for literally no reason at all that he is going to take the fall for Alcide killing Marcus, Luna's babydaddy, even though if Alcide admitted it that would be better because he would be the new Packmaster, but no. Sam's going to go ahead and run around naked the entire episode getting beat up by werewolves until finally Luna and Alcide make them quit it. At which point Marcus's mother Martha eats his dead body, because werewolves are the worst. Besides Sam, I mean.
In other situations, Scott Foley has shown up with some kind of arson-ghost backstory having to do with Terry's time in the Marines, which means you get to see him acting cagey and Terry being different kinds of nuts. And then too Sherriff Andy makes the acquaintance of Holly's beautiful witch-babies in a compromised situation, and that's darling too. In the end, I guess, it's worth sticking around to see just how offensive the Newlin and Tara storylines will get -- and of course the hope, as always, is that the show will stay amazing -- but I'm not so sure I'm going to last the season. How about you?
King Bill! Faerie vacation! Marnie sux! Amnesia sex in Narnia! Jessica and Jason! Debbie falls off the crackwagon! Scott Foley! Russell Edgington returns! Glowing ghosts everywhere! Nan Flanagan dismissed! Jesus stabbed! Steve Newlin vamps out! Tara and Debbie, shot in a kitchen!
As Eric hilariously vamp-zooms around cleaning up the remains of Nan Flanagan, Bill leaves Jess a voicemail about how -- between killing the Darth Vader of the Authority and being broken up with by Sookie -- they're going on a little holiday together.
Daddy Bill: "Jessica, please do not throw lame Rock Band parties in my castle. Anything else you require will be provided, but you know not the finer points of revelry. I believe you to have inherited mah penchant for being a massive dork."
Lafayette: "Man, I can't sleep because of how I stabbed my boyfriend to death whilst wearing an ugly muumuu. Perhaps some warm milllllaaaagh! What the fuck!"
Sookie: "So yeah. I murdered a werewolf, and most of Tara's cranium is splattered across the walls."
Bill: "You know who Ah miss? Sookie."
Eric: "Fuck Sookie, are you kidding me?"
Bill: "Just keep cleanin'. Ah must mourn, gloomily."
Authority: "You guys are under arrest. Have some silver nets in your face."
Sookie: "Tara, please wake up! Please don't do this to me! I was hoping one day we'd actually have a scene together instead of always just saying that we're these amazingly close friends and never showing it."
Tara's Head: "Bitch, I am not waking up. I don't have any brains. Also, that's not really my fault. I was too busy getting raped and changing my identity and being brainwashed all the time to really make the effort, while you were running around in a nightgown talking about which of your seven hot boyfriends you were pissed at that week and asking everyone on the show to murder you at every opportunity."
Pam: "Eric, we need to tallllagh! What the fuck happened here? This is awesome."
Sookie: "Pam, don't look at me like you finally respect me. This is a no bueno situation."
Pam: "Considering I spent most of last season trying to kill Tara, I don't see how that could be true. Anyway, I need to talk to Eric. Instead of you. If you see him, tell him sorry for whatever I did last year that Jacob can't even remember. Something about my fucked up face or wanting a baby or something."
Lafayette: "Or, you could do us a really insane favor that will piss Tara off more than any other possible thing."
Sookie: "Right. Or you could do me a favor."
Pam: "There's no reason for me to do that, considering I hate both of you at this point, but since this show is basically people bending over backwards to do you favors, please continue."