Eric: "We fight like siblings, but we fuck like champions!"
Bill: "It really doesn't take much to keep the rank and file of people that still watch this crap happy, does it."
Jessica: "Daddy was right. I am lame as hell."
College Students, of which there are like five: "Do a Jaeger shot! Apply to a local university!"
Jessica: "That is a stunningly uninteresting concept for a TV show about vampires. Tell me more. Much more."
Co-ed: "They have night classes!"
So in case you were wondering how much of a dork Jessica is today:
Jessica: "I dunno, I mean, people go to college to become big and powerful, right? Well, I already am, so why do all that work?"
Jessica: "I blame this script. It asks me to do a lot of things that are not in my wheelhouse, because they are in nobody's wheelhouse. Every time we cut back to this quote 'party,' it's awkward. Like Larry David awkward. I should not be held accountable for that."
Jason: "Hey, can I come play quarters with you and these hot college guys you're making on?"
Jessica: "You are not my boyfriend."
Jason: "I don't need to be, for this paper-thin storyline where I wave my hands in front of the camera and say how much I've changed, and then you're supposed to buy that I've changed."
Jessica: "Remember last year when that already happened? When you took care of an entire town and became a man? Remember how this happens every season?"
Jason: "Yeah, but then they raped me."
Jessica: "Remember when we talked about how using that word trivializes real rape?"
Jason: "Aw, Jess. I plum forgot. In all the world-ending chaos surrounding my sexual harassment by a homosexual, I forgot how insensitive that was."
He heads inside and the kids freak because he's wearing a cop uniform, so he takes off the cop uniform, because this show is like that now. Things get more sexier. Just kidding, things get more dorkier, and then you have to watch Jessica sing a song on Rock Band, and Jason makes a guitar face, and it's mortifying. Just a straight up bloodbath.
Patrick is Scott Foley. Patrick. Patrick. Got it.