Sookie: "I need you to turn Tara into a vampire. You know, that half-assed rude witch you spent all last season trying to kill, I want you to become her vampire mommy and give her the gift of eternal life. Pretty much the opposite of what you kept failing to do last year, which on this show means five or six minutes ago."
Pam: "Did you notice she is missing most of her head?"
Sookie: "Apparently I did not."
Pam: "Also, why would do I that?"
Sookie: "I will take away your face problem?"
Pam: "That went away when Marnie died."
Sookie: "I will use my close personal relationship with your Maker on your behalf?"
Pam: "That's pretty insulting, but also kinda convincing. Give me one favor later, and use your super-snatch* faerie influence to fix my broken deal with Eric."
Sookie: "Super-snatch is set to go."
Pam: "Fine. But if you've thought about this at all, you'd realize there's a strong possibility she'll rise up tomorrow night completely and utterly fucktarded*?"
Sookie: "You are talking to the wrong person about that."

*TRUE BLOOD, KEEPIN' IT CLASSY:

Newlin: "Jason, I swear that I am not here to hurt you. I just want to talk."
Jason: "You're a vampire. I see your fangs. The fangs are out. Like unto twin hard-ons. Hard-ons for trouble and for feeding on somebody. Never just for talking, not ever."
Newlin: "Remember when the metaphor was a metaphor? Because this show doesn't."
Jason: "I feel objectified, which as a straight white man is ten times worse than the regular kind."
Newlin: "Your comfort is of the utmost, and therefore I will put the fangs away. Look not upon the shame of my inverted desire!"

Newlin: "You may have noticed that I vanished from the Fellowship. You may even now be putting that together..."
Jason: "Oh right, like how we used to train people to kill faaaaavampires. And now you are, ironically enough, a faaaaavampire yourself."
Newlin: "Yes. A clueless zealot with privilege is the exact same thing as a clueless zealot without. There's nothing offensive or illogical about that at all."