Sam: "I hope I don't die at the end of this!"
Weres: "You most certainly will. So one more time, did you kill Marcus? Because if you didn't, then we won't kill you. But if you did, then we will. So just be honest."
Sam: "I prefer to lie, and then just hope for the best. For no real reason at all."
Newlin: "As part of this glamour, you are going to believe that I put this duct tape over your mouth at your request. Now, I am going to sit here for awhile being admittedly awesome while I declare my love for you."
Newlin: "You know how I've been totally gay this whole time?"
Jason: "Yeah, everybody knew that."
Newlin: "Okay, well, I've been gay this whole time. And now I'm a vampire, also."
Newlin: "Don't you think?"
Newlin: "So I'm in love with you, okay?"
Jason: "That's really sweet. Thank you. I really cared for you at one point, too."
Newlin: "Okay, but are you in love with me?"
Jason: "No sir, I am not."
Newlin: "That certainly hadn't occurred to me, because I am not actually a character with sensible motivations or any kind of internal life. Just a symbol. So now, I am going to throw a prissy faggy fit about it. Like I wasn't already the embodiment of horror for wanting to have sex with a straight man, I am also a scary vampire on top of it!"
Jason: "I wish you wouldn't. I also wish I had pants on. So I could crap them."
Jessica: "Don't worry about it!"
Newlin: "Little Red Riding Hood, we are having a private conversation."
Newlin: "Oh no! Gay people are not real people! Goodbye!"
Jason: "Oh, Jessica. It was so scary! It was like being a girl!"
Jessica: "It's okay, I am here now. Dressed as a stripper."
Jason: "We'd better reaffirm my heterosexuality, then."
Jessica: "Agreed. That's really all I'm good for anyway, right?"
A CAR TRUNK
Eric: "Bill, your ass is pressed up against my crotch. Again."
Bill: "Then there will be fan fiction, Ah suppose. Or things on that Tumblr. Whatever makes straight girls giggle and still somehow think they're allies of the gays."
Eric: "Why do you think the Authority kidnapped us and put us in this trunk?"