Tara: "Sam? I am covered in my own brain gore and looking a mess."
Sam: "Well, that's to be expected. Come on inside."
Tara: "PS, I am a vampire."
Sam: "I just want a storyline that doesn't involve me being a human doormat for the most boring people ever imagined. That's all I'm fucking asking for."
Guardian: "Thing is, the old Steve Newlin said on CNN that Russell was dead..."
Steve: "He still could be. Maybe this is just an Elvis thing. Let me tell you about the Christian Right, which is my subject of expertise and therefore the only kind of Americans I think exist. They are white and they are afraid. They will believe anything you tell them to believe, as long as it supports their privilege and bigoted paranoia. Just tell me what you want them to think, and I will spin it."
Guardian: "Please don't tell me about the nature of things. You've been a vampire for a hot minute."
Steve: "I'm just saying, I was better than most of them before I died -- which is why I started an entire megachurch for my own glory -- and I'm better than them now."
The Guardian grabs Steve Newlin by his wonderful face!
Guardian: "We don't talk mean about humanity. They are our ancestors, and we revere them. It's all the more necessary because they're obsolete. You think I'm mainstreaming because I want to be accepted by the majority? Hell no, it's because we scare the shit out of them and they are going to come kill all of us. We have magic powers, buddy, but they have the numbers. You're looking at civil war. And if the poster boy for that conflict is back from the dead, all your Frank Luntz double-talk won't mean a thing. I need you on the ball right now."
Steve: "Okay but can I go watch Bill and Eric get put in their leather sex harnesses?"
Guardian: "No you may not."
Steve: "Cool, I'm mostly into humans anyway. And straight guys."
Majorino: "Bill and Eric, please remove your shirts. For science reasons."
There is a kind of cute/kind of unbearable digression at this point into Weeds-type dad humor about "this is an iStake, there's an app for that, these kids today" and it's just mortifying for those of under one hundred years of age, but the basic point is that they are fitted with these black leather harnesses -- of the sort one might find on a gay man in 1979 -- which operate basically like alcohol monitors, and will kill them through the heart if they don't follow directions.