Whew! Raelle Tucker never disappoints.

Okay, so Steve Newlin is "the new Nan Flanagan," which makes sense because she wouldn't have been the one to turn him, but he's the best Authority tool imaginable. Meloni's Guardian and Salome are a double act, but he seems to believe in assimilation of vampire and human in a way she doesn't, so she ends up coming off kind of like the Mary Magdalene to his Vampire Christ Superstar. In the end, she tries seducing both Eric and Bill -- only manages Bill, fuckwise -- and in the end Tina Majorino outfits both boys with these complicated Jigsaw Killer deathtrap S&M halters that act like vamp alky anklets, and send them back to their lives. Sadly, Nora was a "Sanguinista," so I was even more wrong about her than I thought last week, but also kinda more right than I knew.

Sookie gets into a violent faerie/vamp fight with Pam about tracking down Tara, but -- after a brief moment of nearly killing some girl but then seeing her reflection, you know, LIKE VAMPIRES CAN -- she's run to Sam. Which makes sense in retrospect, considering he's the only person more boring than her. She chills literally in his walk-in freezer, dreams about killing Arlene like we all have, and eventually wakes up to a big fight between Sook, Lafayette, Sam and Alcide. Whom, to her credit, Sookie tells about Debbie almost immediately.

But like everybody else in this episode, he calls her an asshole. It's kind of a theme throughout the episode and maybe season, where the writers jerk us off by saying that they get that Sookie never takes accountability for anything. It's not the worst example, but it is a constant drumbeat: Sookie is the angel of death, everybody cleans up her messes, blah blah blah. Which I guess is validating for those of us who think watching TV is a fight with TV, but kind of repetitive for the rest of us. P.S., TV shows: Stop trying to impress Twitter. It makes you look like a desperate underclassman.

Like, for example, the ludicrous situation Jason gets himself into, where apparently he got LeTourneau'd back in high school, and is now suddenly suffering through the retcon sexual abuse of that, even sleeping with the teacher that molested him, which comes off as an ill-advised apology for the silly "women raping men is the same thing as men raping people" brouhaha from last year. Because nothing solves pretend slut-shaming by panther gang-rape quite like blaming somebody's promiscuity on their childhood molestation, I guess. The whole thing is just so stupid and not real life, at all, but try explaining that to a faux-feminist who thinks men and women have interchangeable experiences. It won't end well. Unless you're part of the "rape is rape" crowd, and then probably you're in heaven having learned one more way Jason was supposedly raped, and how that explains and simplifies everything.

Anyway, after seeing and smelling her first pureblood faerie, a horny Jessica shows up at his house and chills immediately so she can nurse him back to health after this sudden trigger warning his life has stupidly become, and that's nice. She is shaping up to be a better Queen Regent than Bill ever has. I just hate that the whole storyline seems to be written directly in response to fans bitching about the show, rather than the actual show.

Andy's naked ass on Facebook leads to a heightened intimacy with Holly, while Terry and Patrick leave on their road trip to find that guy. Lafayette loses his shit in a way unrelated to Tara's million problems, because it turns out Jesus's demon is still very much inside him, so he now has to contend with the possibility of turning into a mass murderer at any old time.

Pam worries sweetly about Hoyt, who is becoming a total goth fangbanger, before indulging in an extended flashback: The vampires that were ripping up 1905 were, as expected, Lorena and Bill. Eric interrupted their last indiscretion in her whorehouse, fucked her kindly, and ended up with Pam obsessively committing suicide to make him Turn her into a vampire so they could always be together. All very empowering.

Meanwhile, Tara makes her way down Main Street to a local salon, where she locks herself in a tanning booth and finally awakens Pam's Maker sensibilities, in the most Pam way possible: She looks up from her paperwork and grits, "You stupid bitch."

Next Week: So much faerie stuff, with the most unexpected people; Lafayette's demon gets a lot more specific about murder; everybody shits on Sookie twice as much as this week; the Pelts get a better answer than they were looking for.