Yikes, huh? That was something.
Previously, Bill blew up all the TruBlood factories and then drank all the Lilith, so now he is a crazy person. Everybody is in a real hurry to get away from the Authority compound because Bill is God now, or whatever, but then they stop for a long time at a beach so they can yell at each other. Jason goes abruptly crazy and yells at Nora because she is a vampire, and mainly what he wants is for everybody to tell him where Warlow is: Turns out he's actually mentioned in the Book of Lilith, he's that old. Eventually after he is all yelled out, Jason hops in a random person's car and that random person turns out to be Warlow, so I guess the moral of the story is you shouldn't yell so much, just get in random cars with strange old men and everything will work out.
Like Jason, Pam is very upset about something that is not really very upsetting -- in this case, the fact that Eric never told her about his sister Nora -- and she and Tara have a very long conversation about nothing really. But because this new political figure Truman Burrell has responded to the factory bombings by declaring open season on vampires, which nobody really has a problem with because there is no Authority or anybody to protect vampires from human resentment and violence and guns, the government takes over Fangtasia right in the middle of Pam and Tara trying to figure out how to be lesbians with each other.
Luna dies outside the compound, due to skinwalking, so now Sam has a kid that is a werewolf. Also being a werewolf: Alcide, who as Packmaster has to have threesomes with ladies all the time. Because of you know how in nature, how wolves are always having threesomes? It's like that. It is all very sexual! And of course, very classy, like all werewolf moments.
Truman Burrell, whose political future is very much tied up in anti-vampire rhetoric, gets the TruBlood people to set up temporary shop in a tea bottling factory that he just happens to own. How does he just happen to own this tea bottling factory? I'm glad you asked. Half of the episode is the scintillating tale that he tells the TruBlood lady about just this thing, which is that he purchased it. He used money to purchase it, in a financial transaction, and so now he has it, which is how money works. (Am I going too fast for you? I know that it's very complicated.)
Eric gives Sookie back her house, first of all because he loves her and second of all because she loves him, but really I think the main reason is so the government won't take it away from him because he's not a person anymore. He does this by stabbing himself with an ink pen and writing I GIVE YOU BACK YOUR HOUSE OKAY on a piece of paper in his blood, which is not how money works. He should get Truman Burrell to explain it to him.
Speaking of contracts, Sookie sleeps near her Warlow marriage contract from that time her ancestors sold her to a very old vampire for no reason that we know. It glows sometimes, it's very disconcerting; it's funny how both Stackhouses hate vampires now because of Warlow, but in opposite ways of each other, so they are still fighting. So yes, having decided vampires are bullshit, she rescinds Eric's invitation, which results in the most amazing thing of the entire episode, which I don't even have to tell you because the second that it happened the internet became 85% just gifs of it happening.
Arlene helps Andy with his elf babies, who grow overnight into elf tweens. I predict they will be full elf grownups shortly. Andy is pretty great, and Arlene walking him through fatherhood is pretty great. It was also a relief because it was something other than people explaining basic shit to each other: It was people explaining actual things to each other, like what a baby is and how you do it without going crazy.
After washing off all of the blood and putting on some damn clothes, Bill very cruelly summons Jessica to his side, and then tells her, Sookie, Nora and Eric that he is still Bill Compton, but also magical. He almost kills Eric but Sookie stakes him, which is sad for him but not really for anybody else. Jessica eventually elects to move back and live with him, because he wants her to help him stay normal and not let doing God things -- like keep glasses from spilling -- turn him into General Sherman. This is the second-longest thing of the whole show, him explaining painfully this fairly simple idea of absolute power corrupting absolutely, but by that point in the episode you're pretty much just bludgeoned by all the people giving all the speeches to everybody they know at any time they feel like giving a speech.
I would not say that I hated this episode, because somehow Bill has become my favorite thing about the show and so the fact that he is having interesting problems makes me excited about the season. But it looked crappy, it somehow managed to simultaneously talk down to us while also firing on fewer intellectual cylinders than ever before, and moved the characters forward about a single inch total. The episode ends with a bunch of Liliths giving Bill a tummy-ache, and weird visions, and I guess he is going to have to figure out some things about being God before he gets good at it. Luckily, he's got Jessica with him, and she makes everything better, so at least he's got that going for him.
Next Week: I guess the season starts? The government has all kinds of Wikileaks secrets having to do with experimenting on supes, which means they have better things in place to control these uprisings than we've seen before. As long as none of them are a smoke monster that makes you wander around not really doing anything for an entire season, I think the vampires will be victorious.
Well previously I hated the season premiere last year too, but I seem to recall that by the end of it I felt like the only person on earth who actually still liked the show. So as much as I hated this episode, it's still outweighed by hope, and my affection for the characters and for the particular writer/s of this episode and this show. Sometimes it's not the way it's done, but the what that is being done; on the other hand sometimes it's not the story but the way it's being told. And sometimes it's a personal response that colors what you experience more than you know -- and you don't know what you don't know -- so just keep that in mind, and I will try not to be so very much of a Sassy Susan that neither of us enjoys what is about to happen, because then what is the point.
PREVIOUSLY ON THE SHOW THOUGH
Andy knocked up a faerie, who explained to Sookie that she'd been sold by her ancestors into love slavery -- with a primordial vampire named Warlow, who killed Sookie's parents -- before shooting a litter of half-magic babies out of her magical vagina, and then bounced. Oh, which is important because for some reason (actually for about a hundred reasons, now that I think about it) this was the thing that tipped her brother Jason over into being absolutely crazy, so now his ghostly parents are always ghostly telling him to be a racist. Russell Edgington and Steve Newlin, a relationship that is offensive on every level, were tragically torn apart when the former King of Mississippi tracked the faeries to their carnival home dimension and was immediately murdered by Eric, whose sister Nora... Sometimes she's like this, other times she's like this.
Sam Merlotte turned into a common housefly and flew up a lady's nose and then turned back into Sam Merlotte from inside of her skull, and it was awesome. Skinwalker Luna turned into Steve Newlin and outed shifters as supes, and is probably going to barf blood and die real quick. Lafayette, I don't know what is going on with him frankly. I think he took a nap. His boyfriend is a ghost -- possibly trapped in brujo hell? -- I don't know if we'll be seeing him this year, but if we do presumably they'll remind us what was going on there. Terry Bellefleur lived through the opening ten minutes of Aladdin and basically has his shit together finally. Alcide is the boss of werewolves. I think that's everybody...