Sookie's grossed out by Eric's whole deal with buying her house and trying to own her, and explains the conundrum of being a Modern Woman. A Modern Woman who dates vampires, and is also part faerie, and whose brother is King of the Panther Crackheads. She is happy to see Tara back in town, but not enough to actually hang out with her, since she's got to go flirt/yell at Eric for buying her a microwave oven. His point, which Pam also tries to explain, is that vampires are going to eat her and she needs a vampire/manly protector, but you know she's not hearing that shit.
What she is hearing is Jessica, making out with adorable boys in the bathroom at Fangtasia!, and screaming at Sookie for acting like her stepmother for just trying to help her out. Jessica is, awesomely and terrifyingly, becoming quite the wild card. Meanwhile, Hoyt is finding post-Russell Edgington life to be rough. As a gorgeous, tall young white man with a great job, I think we can agree that Hoyt has seen enough oppression already.
Bill, good Lord so much cool Bill stuff, going around banging fangbangers and being King of Louisiana and a double- or triple-agent or whatever is still pretty dorky but also great at the same time. Turns out Nan Flanagan's SWAT team interrupted his parlay with Sophie-Anne last year and assassinated her, to put Bill on throne... Even though both Bill and Nan have been secretly helping the AVL undermine the monarchy (and Authority) since 1982. Brilliant, this bit.
Jason has been kidnapped by the panthers, including wonderful Timbo, for what we learn is a complicated Handmaid's Tale situation where Felton and Crystal want to get pregnant, using his sperm, but have to turn him into a werepanther to do so. So now he's locked up in this shack while they bite him and bite him and bite him. Glad we're not skimping on Crystal's total shittiness this season.
Sam hooks up with Luna, who lets everybody in on a secret thing where shifters can become Skinwalkers (shifters who can even do humans) by killing another shifter to whom they're related. Sounds suspiciously complicated, right? I sure am glad Sam didn't have any sketchy resentful family members around to hear that... Except for Tommy, who will either be murdering Sam shortly or make good on his plea to mend fences. I think they should team up and kill that awful mom of theirs.
Speaking of, Arlene and the Devil Baby have a staring contest that ends with her blowing a vein in her eyeball, which is amazing to be sure, but mostly enjoyable because she's the goddamn worst.
Tara accompanies the boys to their next witch meeting, but just about the time that Marnie's talking about raising the dead -- which sends the cousins running, but not Jesus -- King Bill sends his Sherriff Eric over to shut the witches down: Seems necromancy makes dead people uncomfortable on several levels. Before you know it, Marnie's gotten possessed by some Latin-speaking younger witch-ghost, Tara's trying to stake Eric, Lafayette is back in PTSD-ville just from seeing him, and then the spell's over, Marnie's back to being a sad-ass, and Eric is wandering the countryside all half-naked and amnesiac... And Sookie's the one that finds his helpless vampire ass.
See? All that "You're Mine" stuff -- which has now been going on for four years, which some of us have clearly forgotten -- wasn't just there to give you something to get offended about on Livejournal.
Next week: Witch War begins; more shifter and faerie dark side stuff; Eric is intensely adorable; everybody says "post-Russell Edgington" to the point that there are entire scenes of people just saying that phrase back and forth to each other.
Previously: The Lord Of The Rings, quantum spacetime, sad witches and dead birds and spying, devil babies, lesbian cagefighting, shapeshifting swingers, evil vampire real estate schemes, King Bill, and Timbo knocked Jason over the head.
Jason: "Hey, little panthers. Why am I tied up? Why is Timbo licking my head?"
Timbo: "It's just me, Mister Jason. Ya got a nasty gash, so..."
Jason: "What is lower than first aid? That's what you're doing right now. Let's see about untying me."
Timbo: "In between the dueling banjos and eating raw meat off the ground, things have gotten complicated here in our little township."
Jason: "Do you not recall how I love you and take care of you? It started because of Crystal, but she ran off with her brother-husband and now it's just us. Come on, Timbo. Assuredly you would not be licking my head if you didn't love me too."
Timbo, akimbo: TILT.
Felton: "Stop untying him that instant!"
Jason: "Crystal, where is she?"
Felton: "We can discuss that later. Right now I have to stick a gun in your face."
ERIC'S NEW HOUSE
Sookie, Now A Renter: "Get out of my house! I am not Yours, my house is not Yours, none of my stuff is Yours!"
Eric: "Isn't it weird how in this show, just a piece of paper means I can walk into places whenever I want? And how since a living person doesn't own this house, other vampires can just waltz in and bite you? I guess you'll have to be my girlfriend now."
Sookie: "The house does not come with me inside it. Check your paperwork again."
Eric: "You are delicious, is the point. And the vampires are coming. Let me protect you. I did this creepy thing because you are special to me, in addition to being delicious. Think about it this way, I could totally bite you right now but I am not."
Sookie: "Um, thanks?"
Eric: "The first time Bill said you were His, how did you feel about that?"
Eric: "But also safe, because you literally were. Think about it."
Sookie: "I feel like I'm not being heard."
Eric: "That's only because you literally cannot hear what I'm saying back. Try this on for size, okay? There are two of you. There's the normal one of you that stomps around being crazy because you know your vampire boyfriends will come running, and then there's Crazy Faerie You, that is awesome. Stop pretending you're human, because you're way better than that."